The Narrow Road
Last night I couldn't sleep. Again.
I already took two pills. I hugged my teddy.
Still, I couldn't sleep... though my head was heavy
I moved to the floor of my parents' bedroom
My mind wandered back and forth
To the day before that, when I sat silently
On the floor of my prayer room
When I weeped, again, for the heart that He gave
The last time I did that, was earlier this year
When I went home everyday on that week
before the Open Presentation and got down on my knees
Why, Lord, You know me.
Why, this heart....this calling...
I can't do that without You
You know me, how shallow I can be
Is this the right thing to do
Will I love You enough to pick up my cross
deny myself, and leave everything...
The process is painful,
What would they say, will they agree...
And here, I am, again, questioning,
Though I've walked with You this far
Though with scraped knees and tired feet
I endured because You hold my hand still
Has it been a journey,
Still, I'm questioning the road You've prepared for me
I know that I will walk with You still
I know that You have greater things ahead
But still, my heart whispered,
Lord, will I survive,
.
Half asleep, my story started to unfold
as You reminded me of things forgotten
Kid, do you remember that night where you couldn't sleep,
on the middle of that little village in the northeastern China,
do you remember that you were just nine back then?
all those three weeks spent on your first journey far from home?
the blackout, the half-raw food, the stranger, lost in translation, losing stuffs,
Did you survive? You did....
Or do you remember that eleven hours drive on that bus,
though your uncle was asleep and someone tried to steal his stuff?
Did that scare you? Did that change your heart to wander? It didn't...
Do you remember your solitary three weeks in foreign country,
as you took that flight alone when you were eleven?
Or when you spent all day at the immigration office in foreign country
when your passport is lost and you have to be deported back home?
Did I leave you then? Did it stop you from going again next year?
Do you remember that kid whose house you stayed at on your vacation,
on that little town near the rice fields, and she wouldn't
speak to you and she often left you at her house alone?
Do you remember that I've provided you with her friendly neighbor,
Do you know that I will provide you still?
Do you remember how hard that walk on that muddy beach,
when you tried to pray to the shoreline where the pirates used to be
Though it was hard for you to walked on, did it stop you? It didn't..
Or, do you remember any other night on the way from one city to another
where all your body was aching because you tried too much
taking water from the well from the old maiden from that village?
Do you realize all this time You've walked with Me...
that every milestone has prepared you to be the woman I have in mind
that there will be another process, for sure, but...
if I didn't leave you then, why would I leave you now?
.
I couldn't take it anymore, I was exhausted
And I started sleeping safe and sound, without dreaming....
.
Today my mind went back to the day at the connecting room,
to sixteen years ago, where me and my cousins would sit
on the green-pillowed sofa and sang with my auntie
She was an elementary school teacher, and she would taught us
the song from the Sunday School and I would be so happy to learn
There was a song that put me on the confusion,
"Di dalam dunia, ada dua jalan, lebar dan sempit, mana kau pilih...."
Why the road was narrow, my-four-year-old-self tried to ask my aunt
She drew me a picture and her answered now all blurred
And years after that I've spent without realizing that I'm headed
to this narrow road that is chosen by the few
I know nothing but the fact that You told me to follow You
Hard as it is, anxious as my heart could be, blind as I may be
well, You've walked with me then, why You wouldn't walk with me now?
.
"why do you always take the hard road?"
"why do you assume i see two roads?"
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