Sorry doesn't simply fix things
I'm the kind of girl who says sorry too much or not at all. But for the friends, maybe the first one suits me better. I always say sorry. I don't know if I really mean it. I think I do. I hope I do. But for saying sorry that much, I guess, sometimes ... I don't.
Maybe I hope that sorry is a magic word that can make things all rainbow and sunshine. I remember when I was 2nd grade in elementary school I faked a bit tear and I cried for having 40/100 for the math test. And I said sorry to my mom. And she forgave me. And to be fair, I wonder if all those who hurt me in the past lined up and said sorry. I know I would forgave them, too.
And maybe I've never realized it but I took sorry for granted, sometimes. Even worse, sometimes I'd rather not to say it at all. Especially to my closest ones. I'd keep it and suck it, and hope that they'd forget it. But they didn't, did they. They'd remember. But maybe they treasured the relation too much so they chose to stay.
Recently someone said sorry to me. But the sorry kept spreading to the next questions. What does the sorry stand for? Does it real? Is it for ... this... for is it for everything? Can't you see that it doesn't fix things? And I remember I said these words:
A 'sorry' without the solution or the resolution to be better is just an empty word.
I know fairly it isn't. Sometimes it only takes a bit sorry to heal things. But in this case, I don't think it is. What difference a sorry can make? It's just a word. A word against thousands actions.
And now these words coming back to me like two-edged sword. I made an awful mistake to someone. Really. Awful. And he's actually being kind about it. He kept saying it's okay. But it's not. I kept saying sorry for countless times. I kept telling him that it bothers me also. I kept telling him that I'd seek it and find it.
But once again, sorry doesn't simply fix things.
It doesn't. Life is not the computer with the Ctrl+Z. Life is anything but it. He still needs the solution for the mess I've made. I still need to fix it. I still need to be responsible to him. And I still have to think until it's found. And no matter how I say or convince him, or even writing this, it simply doesn't matter. It really doesn't.
It actually makes me frustrated. Seriously I know I've tried. And I'm tired. But I can't just face it and say sorry. But I seriously have no idea what to do. Duh.
So while here me trying to fix things. I pray hard, to see a bit miracle.
Please.
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