Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

Here I am, again

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” and I said, “Here am I. Send me!” - Isaiah 6:8

Here I am, again. 
As You find me on my knees, again.
Crying, again
As sometimes I wonder, why did I even bother at the first place?
What was I thinking?
I knew from the very start it's going to be hard,
and the process is going to be painful
Yet I chose to walk upon the water as You called me
as the storm's surrounding me
Yet that time I chose to walk in faith instead of run
I remember I used to run, not after You but from You
I remember I only wanted to have it my way,
I want to have my life! do You remember that?
I didn't understand what is the heart to serve when I began this ministry
yet now I've interviewed bunches of people and I questioned it....
It's not fair, isn't it?
As now things are really different and I begin to question everything
I remember that everything was so different last year
My priority, my focus, and even my motivation
yet You turned that around...
You always, always take me down on my knees again
I've messed up, I've stumbled, and I've failed over and over again
No matter how good people perceive me, they don't know me like You do,
You see the depths of my heart, how deceitful it can be
You know my insecurities, You know I don't deserve this
but why.... why did You chose me?
Here I am, again, longing for the same fire You've given me
longing for the heart
longing for You
I shall never forget that heart, Lord
Here I am, again
Lead me as I lead Your people.

Just be held


Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when youre tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
Youre not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go
- Just be held, Casting Crowns
So someone just sent me this song well thankyou! :"

.

Lord, I'm really glad you're here.

I hope you feel the same when you see all my fear,

and how I fail.

I fall sometimes.

It's hard to walk in sinking sand.

I miss the rock, and find I've nowhere else to stand.

I start to cry.
Lord, please help me.

Raise my hands, so you can lift me up.

Hold me close, hold me tighter.




I have found a place where I can hide;

it's safe inside
 ...Your arms of love.

Like a child who's held throughout a storm;

I'm safe and warm

in your arms of love.



Storms may come and storms may go.

I wonder just how many storms it takes

until I finally know

You're here always.

Even when my skies are far from grey.

I can stay, Lord, teach me to stay.

.....there

- Arms of Love, Katinas
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,
Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.
For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

 - Grace- Laura Story

The Tree Tale


I began this year at campus with one big question of life. My lecturer asked me to write an essay with the topic is : "Who am I". The first reaction, was like ... "umm.... well....... umm". I don't know why, but it's hard for me to answer that question. I broadened the question with Paul Gauguin's painting's title : "Where did we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?". I can actually say, umm, let's say..... I'm a girl... I'm Indonesian. I'm a designer. I'm a student. and I'm His child. But what makes me different than the other Indonesian, Christian, design student? What makes me different than the rest of my class? I know that God created each one of us unique, but sometimes it is hard to point it out by myself. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to describe...

The task was actually just a foundation for the first project, which was creating a personal logo. And we had to make 30 logo sketches in just one week, and when all of my friends started to make the logos, I was still finding the keywords. It took me 5 days to find the keywords and 2 hours to make 24 logos HAHA. I found 9 phrases and keywords that I think describe me the best, and the keywords that will help me visually to create the logos. "Distinctive", "Expressive", "Philosophical Standpoint". "Idealistic Principles". "Otherworldly". "Sentimental". "Paradoxical Contradictions". "Intuitive". and "Committed". I started with "Philosophical Standpoint", "Idealistic Principles" and somehow I got an idea for the visual : tree. Roots symbolize the standpoint, principles, that will help me to stand out and stand firm in the industry. Committed can be easily visualized in roots. Then for the "Paradoxical Contradictions", the trees grow taller, and deeper at the same time. I was pleased with the progress and I simply made it as my logo.

Not so long after that, I was approached to be a president of the organization I'm in. It was on Friday Night. Then the next day I had to meet my senior in high school, to have a meeting for our movie project. We came too early and it was kinda awkward and then I started the topic : "Which one do you prefer? To fly or to be rooted?". I actually have asked this kind of question to my friends since mid 2014. Flying means you go higher or far away to reach higher, greater, things. To be rooted means you grow deeper and commit to whatever you're into. I've always wanted, to fly, to be honest. To travel, to leave this country and never come back, to study abroad. I was jealous when I saw my friends doing greater things than what I did. Few days after that, after I've made my mind to actually fill the form, I asked God and I prayed : God, what do you want me to do? What do you want for the organization? I asked, and asked, then I remember the word : Rooted. I remember the conversation and I realized if I ever be the president, it means I have to be rooted. Then accidentally I found the verses that resonate that vision. And I made that as the whole vision for the organization. It's not that I put my life and being selfish and put it for the organization, it's just the task from my lecturer was just a reminder and simply reminds me about the whole vision for the organization.

The day I submitted my logo project was the day of the Open Presentation. My friends start to point out the similarity in both. Few days after that, I saw a Photo Booth at my campus with the tree as the background. My friends started to laugh. And I was thinking, "well, this is just a coincidence". The next day, I was interviewed by my authority and then I heard about a plan so far for the university from the university itself with the same symbol I had for the presentation: Tree. I was like............ "Oh my....."

I realized that it was more than just a coincidence. And actually the interview just a reminder for me as I began to reflect my whole life and I started to look back and all the dots started to connect together. I've never realized this before...... But if I look back, I remember that 2-3 times in my life, since I was in the elementary school, in psycho tests, or in the school retreat when they asked me to symbolize my life..... I drew a tree. Even though I had no reason to draw it. I had painted a tree on my bedroom wall. I even want to name my daughter "Kiara", which has two meanings, "Black", and "Tree". I started to open my sketchbooks and journals and you can see there's no sketchbook nor journal I have (and believe me, I have a lot......) without a picture of the tree in it. I just realized that I've always loved drawing tree, the branches, the roots, the leafs. Probably one thing I've enjoyed the most in my drawing class. I feel pretty when the sun which light my face, filtered by the tree's branches. Even one of the first memories I've had was the imagination as a child when I pictured my life like a movie outside the church near my house and I stood under the tree and the 'camera' started to zoom out and I saw myself from the sky. And I've always imagined that when I grow old, I will sit on the bench near the tree and see a sunset. I feel like everything started to collide hahahah but everything started to make sense.....

The realization hit me as I realized....... I'm the tree. I've always been the tree....... I never leave my city for 18 years of my life, and never once I live outside my country. Since kindergarten 'til the day I graduated high school, I studied in the same school, the school near my home. And even though I graduated two years ago, sometimes I still come back to serve.... as mentor, as tutor, as anything.....  I live in the same home, at the same street, since the day I was born. I've never had any other church since the day I became Christian. Design, media, christian things, and all the things are never new.... they've been in my life since forever. Since I was 9, I've always wanted to study design major, study in this university, and I knew youthcamp since I was 7 or 8. I'm the tree..... My mom planned to make me study abroad when I was 11, but God has another plan. I've tried to study abroad and leave this town, but God has another plan. I've tried (and I got) scholarship from another university, but once again, God has another plan........

I watch people around me as I observe and I always compare the story from the past, present, and the future. I'm always the one who remembers what most people forget. I never leave my ground as the people I love started to leave me for the same reason, they want to fly higher. As the men that came into my life has the same reason to leave.... For years my roots grow deeper and I do grow taller and now I start to see from higher views........

I'm the tree, I've always been the tree......

Is it just a coincidence?

Where feet may fail



You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

 And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am yours and You are mine 

 Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me 
You've never failed, and You won't start now

 Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior

 - Oceans, Hillsong. 
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