He designs a life she loves

Here comes  the 3 am, the brutally honest and the honestly brutal...

I didn't know why it's so hard for me now to commit to anything. To finish a book (but I did read one last weekend --- after a long, long time reading book just for the first three chapters). To watch movies. Even to finish a song. Or to finish a blogpost. In fact, it's hard to write or say something. I don't even want to sleep at night. I don't even want to meet my best friends. It's just that crazy. 

Plus, I didn't know why I spent the last few days feeling not content at all. It's not that bad, actually. I've been laughing a lot recently, too. Laugh louder and more often than usual, even at the small things. I look back few times in my life, and I do realize that life is pretty amazing. I'm glad with all these accomplishments this year, all the strangers that turned to be friends & families, all the opportunities, all the grace and transformations God has given me.

But ..... A part of me stays restless. Still searching. Still wondering. I feel like  I've been questioning my life back and forth, I'm second-guessing everything, and ......... been so desperate to make some changes in my life. Waiting for new year so I can start working my new resolutions. A week ago, I realized that it's just two months before I hit the number twenty, and I wanted to figure out everything. So typical of me, huh? 

And of course, I feel the hole and I've been trying my best to fill it with anything that motivates me. I've talked to Reta and I finally made theory, that basically why my motivations never last, and why the changes are temporary is simply because : 

1. It has always been pseudo. Pseudo motivations lead to pseudo results

2. To be really, really honest, we don't understand WHY we have to do it. We just feel like we should, so we do it anyway. 

But even after we made the theories about it, we were still asking : HOW. WHAT CAN WE DO. WHY DOES LIFE TURN OUT TO BE THIS WAY. WHYYY. 

That's my problem, I guess. Even my mentor told me that she wouldn't give me 'theories' because she says,  I "know" all theories. I "know" but I need more than that. I think I still need the fingersnaps or huge slaps to differ the "know" and "I KNOW!!! " Do you understand what I mean? 

From all of those things, from hours of endless chats, from pinning quotes and goals and resolutions excessively, deep inside, I know the answer is simple. It has always been this simple.

God. 

It has always been this simple. 

It's nothing new to say that I'm not easily satisfied. I realized that my longings aren't from this world.  Even though a lot of times I convince myself otherwise. Maybe if I get older, maybe if I get this, maybe, and maybe....  I have to remind myself that nothing, really nothing in this world will every satisfy. Even though one day I travel the world, finally meet the love of my life, have all the friends, and all these earthly wishes, 

it's the simple truth : 

Only God

can ever

satisfy

Some people know how I've been struggling with this, how I feel like it's one-sided relationship. How I really, really, desperately want to know Him. How desperate I've become. So many times I feel the distractions, the struggles, the feelings of unworthy, the thoughts like where do I start, what can I do, and such things. 

But God is good. Really, good. 

He still pursues me. He pursues me when I'm feeling lost. He's like this Father who ran towards his lost son. Even though I ran away from Him. Even though I don't deserve His love. And I can't find any word to simply describe it. I'm glad He keeps reminding me in many ways. Even though I've failed Him, again and again He shows me mercy. I'm glad that He uses anybody, anything, to remind me, over and over again. I got 5 reminders in 24 hours before I finally decided to write this. 

It has always been this simple, why do I complicate things? 

I will close this post with a quote, as a reminder for me too,

-

Ini ceritanya ditulis setelah tau IPK nya ga sampe persyaratan. Awalnya udah 15/18 sks yang masuk, dan udah tinggal 0,02 lagi dari persyaratan. Ya, sedekat itu. Lalu........ tiba-tiba nilai itu keluar dan jatuh sampe ke 0,2 di bawah persyaratan. Ga nyangka bakal sejatuh itu, dan jatuhnya di KAT. Terjun bebas. Yap.

But why do I feel nothing? Yes I shed a tear when I know I let myself disappoint my parents, and I know the consequence is worth 9 millions Rupiah (and more....) but ..... I know in one way or another, God will provide. I don't know why. Bersyukur aja masih ga dibiarin bener-bener jatuh. Bersyukur masih bisa cerita ke 2 orang tentang ini. Well oh well... 

Okay, that's it. Now it's the time to tell my parents about the truth. 

And it's time to run again..... Run towards it, not away from it.