To you, to my favorite 8-year-old-soul whom I've once loved,
I guess it's a bit mistake for me to write about you. Hahahaha.
Especially at times like this.
But I want to. And maybe, maybe.... I need to.
You see, you are forever in my life.
I've known you for ages, and at the same time I don't know you at all
You were the first of everything and this time I gotta be honest,
Everytime I get the chance to see you, which a privilege I don't get really often,
I try always to "grab" the idea of me in you,
trying to find the happier, better version of me that maybe I can find in you
Deep, deep, down inside of you
You knew me before reality hit me hard to the ground
We always grow together, though we grow separately, and sadly, grow apart...
But I can see myself getting old as you're getting old
I can see myself in you
I can see that I'm leaving that little girl behind
As you also grow up and became someone that's quite stranger to me now
If I can talk to you honestly, I want to ask this question
If you see me now, do you see her?
That happy, carefree girl who loved everything she touched?
Or do you see someone who tries so hard to behave,
behind the make up and the fake smile on her face,
who will walk and talk the way people expect her to,
Who would never run again with you against the wind?
Who would never giggle but politely smile back at you?
Do you remember that little girl?
If you read this, which I doubt you do,
I hope you know I see you now and I'm proud
You've all grown up, and grow up pretty well
I wish I could be like that, too
But, what I wish the most will be ...
When you see me, and when I see myself in you,
I hope we can still see that little girl alive in me
Most of all, I hope I can make her proud.
Love,
Your-8-year-old-crush
.
"8 years old, we're told
You're too young to unlearn how to smile and hate the world
8 years from now on
You'll forget the art of carefreeness and little girls
So 6 young heart kick start and venture
Into a labyrinth of question marks
Mischevous, wide eyed
We had nothing to hide, our smiles were bonafide
We dreamed of super powers, meteor showers
Climbing towers, magic mermaids, flying ships and finding home
In our unlocked golden coffer all we had was love to offer
A currency that once was just enough
Guess we grew up
These day we cease to give a frail and feeble
Damn, we've got new better plans
Crystal clear, each year
Since June of 2010, we've grown cavalier and bland
We used to dance in rainstorms
Fight our battles, win the whole war
We spoke in flames and held hands while we burned
Now all we ever do is vomit apathy
We mop it with apologies, “I’m sorry”s
I worry... I worry we grew up
Things have changed and minds have aged
We're so far in this unfeasible maze
When did black and white decide to propagate
'Cause everything now seems so…. grey
We've forgotten the beats of our own drums
We've lost touch of tunes we used to hum
We smell of sin and no longer bubblegum
Our season is yet to come
Were houses with water stained walls
We're standing but no longer tall
When did we stop having a ball
I don't recall, I don't recall
Here we are, so far
We've walked a lonely road
We're like nomads finding home
But somewhere far inside the 8 year old resides
Whispering you'll be alright
So let us live, let live
Forgive and hope we don't
Fail the souls we used to know
Let's walk each other home
Little souls please don't let go
This unknown is ours to roam
Our little souls will walk us home"
- Nicole Zefanya, Little Souls.
It feels weird to write again.
Moreover, it feels weird to write about you again
I promised myself not to write to you nor about you again.
But, you see, here's the bigger picture..
Recently, I had a dream
In my dream we were preparing ourselves for a journey
Journey, huh? That one word that you used to love
But actually it was like a trip with our closest friends to faraway cities
And somehow the plan was I would go with you to the destination
With you, my fellow traveler..
We agreed to meet at the set time
You'd pick me up at my home at noon
Our friends already went there before us
I told them that I'd arrive later, with you, of course
However, at the set time, I wasn't ready
I was in such a hurry,
I didn't prepare myself the night before
I put my clothes and my stuffs randomly to my bag
Because simply I couldn't wait to go with you
Because I thought you'd arrive to my home at that set time
At the time I asked you to
But.
You.
Didn't.
Come.
I waited and waited and waited
I started to sweat nervously
I moved and circled around the room
I began to go upstairs and I waited there
Seconds turned to minutes that turned to hours
They began to tell me that you wouldn't come, anyway
But, well, I don't know why, in my dream I did not lose hope
Even though the fact told me the otherwise,
there's a tiny part in me that still believed you'd come
Instead of giving up, I started to unpack my belongings
All the things that were not meant for the journey
I started to leave it all behind
I began to put all the things, and I repacked everything
I even changed the outfits that I wore
I tried to seek the more decent dress
I could say it was the best dress that I've ever had
I made myself ready
And... just when I started to put on that dress
The people in my home shouted your name from downstairs
You came......... eventually.
And it was worth the wait
.
I didn't get the chance to see your face in that dream when I finally woke up
I asked God why it's your name all over again, when I know I finally let you go
Why it's the same name that's been haunting me for years
Is it true that I'll end up with you, or probably the one with the same name,
or probably someone whom I haven't met yet
You see, I dream a lot in my sleep, but usually I don't remember any of it
But when I woke up that day, the dream lingered on
It reminded me of us, to be honest, the years that spent on waiting
Waiting for you to come home while you were on your own journey
The thing is, I was so young at that time,
And like that dream, I was still unprepared
What's the point if you came earlier? I wasn't ready anyway...
We might end up bringing the belongings that are not meant for the journey
I might end up not giving and presenting my very best
The reason that it was your name that showed up,
I can't say if it's going to be you.... it might be someone else
All I can say is now I can clearly see why you came to my life
Waiting for you taught me and prepared me to wait for something bigger
Which is... waiting for God.... to be the church ready as His bride
Waiting for God also means to wait for Him to reveal His plan in my life
Step by step, one by one, all of it, including you
However, during that time, the best thing to do is to prepare the very best
Doing things that I've been doing for awhile now
Prepare the land, as if it's going to rain even in the drought
There are things I've been praying for, I'm struggling with,
All the things that made me forget about you at the first place
All the calling, all the missions, all the paths have yet to come
It takes a little patience, it takes a lot of faith
When it's the time, it will not be too early nor too late
From that dream, I knew... I just knew that you'll show up eventually
You will. I'm sure of that. Even if it's not 'you' that I wanted
But you will.
You will be the best friend and the best fellow traveler ever
To travel with me as two pilgrims in this life.
It's going to be amazing. It's going to be exciting.
It's not going to be easy.....
But it's going to be worth all the waiting :)
.
Last night I couldn't sleep. Again.
I already took two pills. I hugged my teddy.
Still, I couldn't sleep... though my head was heavy
I moved to the floor of my parents' bedroom
My mind wandered back and forth
To the day before that, when I sat silently
On the floor of my prayer room
When I weeped, again, for the heart that He gave
The last time I did that, was earlier this year
When I went home everyday on that week
before the Open Presentation and got down on my knees
Why, Lord, You know me.
Why, this heart....this calling...
I can't do that without You
You know me, how shallow I can be
Is this the right thing to do
Will I love You enough to pick up my cross
deny myself, and leave everything...
The process is painful,
What would they say, will they agree...
And here, I am, again, questioning,
Though I've walked with You this far
Though with scraped knees and tired feet
I endured because You hold my hand still
Has it been a journey,
Still, I'm questioning the road You've prepared for me
I know that I will walk with You still
I know that You have greater things ahead
But still, my heart whispered,
Lord, will I survive,
.
Half asleep, my story started to unfold
as You reminded me of things forgotten
Kid, do you remember that night where you couldn't sleep,
on the middle of that little village in the northeastern China,
do you remember that you were just nine back then?
all those three weeks spent on your first journey far from home?
the blackout, the half-raw food, the stranger, lost in translation, losing stuffs,
Did you survive? You did....
Or do you remember that eleven hours drive on that bus,
though your uncle was asleep and someone tried to steal his stuff?
Did that scare you? Did that change your heart to wander? It didn't...
Do you remember your solitary three weeks in foreign country,
as you took that flight alone when you were eleven?
Or when you spent all day at the immigration office in foreign country
when your passport is lost and you have to be deported back home?
Did I leave you then? Did it stop you from going again next year?
Do you remember that kid whose house you stayed at on your vacation,
on that little town near the rice fields, and she wouldn't
speak to you and she often left you at her house alone?
Do you remember that I've provided you with her friendly neighbor,
Do you know that I will provide you still?
Do you remember how hard that walk on that muddy beach,
when you tried to pray to the shoreline where the pirates used to be
Though it was hard for you to walked on, did it stop you? It didn't..
Or, do you remember any other night on the way from one city to another
where all your body was aching because you tried too much
taking water from the well from the old maiden from that village?
Do you realize all this time You've walked with Me...
that every milestone has prepared you to be the woman I have in mind
that there will be another process, for sure, but...
if I didn't leave you then, why would I leave you now?
.
I couldn't take it anymore, I was exhausted
And I started sleeping safe and sound, without dreaming....
.
Today my mind went back to the day at the connecting room,
to sixteen years ago, where me and my cousins would sit
on the green-pillowed sofa and sang with my auntie
She was an elementary school teacher, and she would taught us
the song from the Sunday School and I would be so happy to learn
There was a song that put me on the confusion,
"Di dalam dunia, ada dua jalan, lebar dan sempit, mana kau pilih...."
Why the road was narrow, my-four-year-old-self tried to ask my aunt
She drew me a picture and her answered now all blurred
And years after that I've spent without realizing that I'm headed
to this narrow road that is chosen by the few
I know nothing but the fact that You told me to follow You
Hard as it is, anxious as my heart could be, blind as I may be
well, You've walked with me then, why You wouldn't walk with me now?
.
"why do you always take the hard road?"
"why do you assume i see two roads?"
A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far I must go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road
A million miles away from anything familliar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road
From here I can not see why You'd choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why
You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road
- Ginny Owens
I pray for you and I remember telling story about you last week
Do you remember when I was sick and you accompanied me to the hospital?
Or letting me to sleep on your passenger's seat
Or letting me to have your pillow and I gave you mine?
When you held my hands or when I gave you a kiss on cheek on your birthday?
I wrote this because I know for sure that in front of you I won't say a thing
Not at all. I don't know why I always remain speechless
Yesterday as I just fought my good fight
And you were home, sleeping
As I too often leave you alone
I've been thinking about the things that I may do in the future
Will you accept it? How can I make you understand that?
To be really honest, I don't think about you that often
When I'm too busy doing my stuffs
When I'm too busy trying to make you proud
When I'm too busy trying to impress you
But somehow, today, I got this urge to write this
I feel like I'm doing all these things alone
But not at once I have the bravery to ask you to join me
From the deepest part of my heart I really wish,
really want, really hope, that you may know Him
I just don't know how.
But I pray for you still
I'm sorry if most of the time I'm not there for you
For the times I disrespect
For all the things you kept inside you
I'm not too blind to see it
I'm sorry for the things I do not say
How I'm not able to express my feelings toward you
But I love you, though
I'm sorry if I grew up too fast
That this your little girl has finally spread her wings
I'm aware that now you're growing old
I'm sorry if you gave everything for me
I noticed that when I saw your tired face everytime I go home
Words simply won't suffice
But this, is what I can do for now...
I love you.
Hear me, oh God of my fathers
I am lost and bleeding, my strength has run out
I need You now, I need You now
Hear me, oh Alpha Omega
Rest upon me, for I am depleted
Without You, without You
Hear my heart, for I have nothing to offer You
Let me rest in You alone
Let me dance with freedom that only comes from You
May I find my joy again
Speak to me, for I am done speaking
Would You carry me, for I cannot walk
I need You now, I need You now
Would You show me grace, even when I don't deserve it
Find You in this place, would shelter Your servant
For awhile, for awhile
Hear my heart, for I have nothing to offer You
Let me rest in You alone
Let me dance with freedom that only comes from You
May I find my joy again
May I find my joy again
I have found my joy... again
- WorshipMob
I have traveled far now on life’s journey; and, having climbed one of the few remaining hills between earth and Heaven, I stand awhile on this vantage-ground, and look back across the country through which the Lord has led me.
A well-defined pathway is visible, but it appears devious and wandering; sometimes skirting a mountain-top, whence one could catch glimpses of “the land that is very far off”; and, further on, descending into a valley shadowed by clouds and darkness. At one time, it runs along amidst steep places, and overhanging rocks; at another time, it winds across an open plain, brilliant with the sunshine of goodness and mercy, and fanned by breezes which are wafted from the fields of Heaven.
There are flowers of joy and love growing all along the way, even in the dark places; and “trees which the Lord has planted,” give shade and shelter from too great heat.
I can see two pilgrims treading this highway of life together, hand in hand—heart linked to heart. True, they have had rivers to ford, and mountains to cross, and fierce enemies to fight, and many dangers to go through; but their Guide was watchful, their Deliverer unfailing, and of them it might truly be said, “In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.”
Mostly, they went on their way singing; and for one of them, at least, there was no joy greater than to tell others of the grace and glory of the blessed King to whose land He was hastening. And when he thus spoke, the power of the Lord was seen, and the angels rejoiced over repenting sinners.
But, at last, they came to a place on the road where two ways met; and here, amidst the terrors of a storm such as they had never before encountered, they parted company—the one being caught up to the invisible glory—the other, battered and bruised by the awful tempest, henceforth toiling along the road—alone.
But the “goodness and mercy” which, for so many years, had followed the two travelers, did not leave the solitary one; rather did the tenderness of the Lord “lead on softly,” and choose green pastures for the tired feet, and still waters for the solace and refreshment of His trembling child. He gave, moreover, into her hands a solemn charge—to help fellow-pilgrims along the road, filling her life with blessed interest, and healing her own deep sorrow by giving her power to relieve and comfort others.
- Susannah Spurgeon
