Closer than you know

I tempered the storm
Though your faith was small
I prayed while you slept
And the night waged war
We stood in the fire
And we walked on sea
And we drank of the wine
That was made of Me

Don't turn your eyes from Me
For My love won't be undone
Don't hide your face from Me
For My light has surely come
Surely come surely come

I carried that cross
And I felt your pain
I took up your crown
And I wore your shame
And death was a fire
And its teeth were grim
But I left it behind
Along with all your sin

Lift up your eyes and see
Heaven is closer than you know
Lift up your voice and sing
Know that My love won't let you go
And I won't forsake you

And My light has surely come
Surely come surely come
And I'm closer than you know
And I'm closer than you know

Lord I hear You I know You're there
Closer now than my skin and bones could dare
Breathing deep within me
You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare
Brighter now than the sun could ever dare
Breathing all around me
God I know You're with me here

For I'm Yours and You are mine
And my soul knows well
You are here

You are here
And my soul will praise You
And my soul will praise Your Name
Singing Holy is Your Name
Jesus
Jesus

If You want me to :)

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

"I will be with you"



If there’s anything I learn about Christianity is that it’s not pain-free. Nah-ah. Especially when you’ve walked through this journey for a while. Christianity didn’t consist of the self-help books with the so-called-titles like : “7 ways to be forever happy” or “The keys of happiness”. Christianity is so much more than that. There were times when I asked to myself, God why did this happen to me. I didn’t blame Him, though, but sometimes I got lost in the sea of self-pity and no matter how many people were there beside me, either best friends, family, sisters or brothers in Christ ….. no matter how they said that it was going to be okay, I always felt like I was alone …… I felt lonely. And too many people left me that made me never believe that someone would actually stay.

But, you see, the first thing I learn is the fact God didn’t say it will be easy. Nope. We live in the broken world. But one thing that He promised : you don’t have to go all alone. In fact, all this time you’ve never walked alone.

In Psalm 23 David didn’t say that he didn’t have enemies, he said God prepares the table before him even in the front of his enemies. David said that even though he walks in the darkest valley, he will fear no evil. He didn’t worry. So it doesn’t matter whether it’s a field of grass of if it’s a dark valley, what matters is the fact that God’s with you.

And I read few times that when God promised something to His people, He also promised that He will be with them, when God sent people to do something, He also promised that He will be with them :


  • To Isaac : That night the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham.” - Genesis 26:24
  • To Moses : And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.” - Exodus 3:12
  • To Joshua : Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9
  • To Gideon : The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive. - Judges 15:16


And it’s the same God, the same Almighty God who created the universe, who led the Israel out of the Egypt, the same God who has been faithful to Joseph, Esther, Nehemiah, and all. The same God who has been faithful throughout the 20 years of UPH, is the same God who will hold your hand today and walk with you. As I’ve said it before, I didn’t say that it would be easy but God promised that even though in the deep waters, through the fire, or through the rivers, He will be with you (Isaiah 43). When I submitted the form to be the head honestly I was afraid. I couldn’t see the whole stairs, only just the first step. Ci Jess sent this to me :

‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’
- Isaiah 41:9-10

“But Lord, I’m afraid” 
“Lord, I can’t see!” 
“Lord, it’s hard.”
“Lord, what if…”
“Hey, I will be with you"

As last week in the plywood night I’ve talked to Bu Ban just before the session about God’s faithfulness how I look back and see that even though I never deserve it, God is faithful. Even though I tried to ran, He still remains faithful. On the commissioning prayer she read the chapter from the Joshua 1 to Chelsea and I. And now I’m telling you guys, I do believe that it’s not coincidence that God has brought you here. It’s amazing how few months ago, some of you are completely strangers to me. But God has brought us here to be a family, even though sometimes you can see that there are people who are more annoying than the other, of maybe even I, as a leader do something that will disappoint you….. well, God has brought us here, to learn together, to walk together, to grow together.

I gotta say that it wasn’t easy, and if I went through the past few months, it is only by the grace. The road in front of us won’t get any easier, but He promises that He will be with us. I believe that when God already called you into something He will equip and He will never leave. I believe that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Now, begin to see that you don’t walk through this alone. You have us. You have me. You have God. Don’t quit only for temporary reasons. Don’t be disappointed just because the situation is not the way you expected it. Don’t be disappointed just because of what someone did or did not do to you. Remember why you were here at the first place. Remember what it’s all about. Ask God to enlarge the capacity, to process you, to mold you, shape you, into what He has planned for you. Don’t settle for the shallowness, go deeper, be deeper, sink deeper.

Don’t you want after our period is finish you don’t stay the same way you’ve entered but grow into better person, whose life is changed? Don’t settle only for the “happy” parts, but find joy even if you have to suffer, praise even when you don’t feel like it.

Stay strong and we’re definitely going to finish this race together!

(What I've shared to my kids 1-2 weeks ago)

Perempuan Sang Penulis 







(Note: I wrote this few years ago for a task that my teacher gave to me. And I just found it, somewhere in my hard disk. Looking back, I think I should improve my
writing skill and be more patient.......)
Pukul dua pagi, jam bergeliat dengan begitu gelisah. Malam ini, langit terlihat begitu cerah dengan cara yang sungguh tidak biasa untuk ukuran malam - malam pertengahan musim gugur yang membosankan. Bulan terekspos begitu saja, tanpa malu – malu. Angin terkadang bertiup perlahan – lahan memasuki jendela kamar dua kali dua, dan ia tampak tertidur pulas...

Angin perlahan – lahan menggelitik kakinya yang tidak terbungkus selimut tebalnya, tapi ia masih tertidur lelap. Kemudian ia merasakan jemari – jemari lembut menyentuh wajahnya. Pertama, dari bawah mata, menelusuri perlahan – lahan ke pipi keriputnya, kemudian turun perlahan ke dagu. Namun seakan – akan ada yang tertinggal, jemari itu perlahan menyentuh bibirnya. Memperlakukan seakan – akan bibirnya adalah barang yang paling mudah pecah. Dan disaat inilah ia sungguh-sungguh terjaga. Masih enggan membuka mata, tangannya menyentuh tangan perempuan itu. Dan dengan meraba – raba, sampailah ia ke rambut perempuan itu. Inilah rambut perempuan yang dicintainya. Dan kini di benaknya sudah tergantung bayangan seorang yang sosoknya ia lebih hafal daripada tubuhnya sendiri. Ini, bagian rambutnya. Lekuk tubuhnya. Aroma badannya. Bagian sini, tanda bekas luka pertamanya waktu perempuan itu jatuh dari tangga. Ini wajahnya. Lalu ia terdiam ketika tangannya terhenti di pipi perempuan itu, berbisik... “Sayang, mengapa kau menangis?”

*** 

 Ia akhirnya membuka mata. Tangannya masih basah, dan masih tergantung di pipi kekasih hatinya. Pertama kalinya, yang ia lihat, tentu saja... mata itu. Begitu dekat, begitu jelas. Bulu matanya yang lentik masih membingkai kedua mata itu. Tapi mata itu memancarkan, ......... entahlah. Rasanya seperti melihat ke jiwanya sendiri. Mata itu tampak berteriak – teriak, menuntut jawaban jujur. Ia pernah melihat hal ini sekali, dulu tapi, dulu sekali. Tangannya mengusap air mata di pipi perepuan yang menemaninya seumur hidupnya itu. Dengan suara yang bergetar, ia mendengar dirinya sendiri berkata,
“Sayang, kau tahu, sepanjang 49 tahun aku bersama denganmu, baru dua kali aku melihatmu menangis. Kau wanita kuat, Selene. Tapi, ingatkah kau.........?”

*** 

 Ingatkah kau, kini laki – laki itu mulai bercerita. Tidak sulit, karna seumur hidupnya ia bercerita untuk orang – orang. Pertama kalinya aku melihat kamu menangis adalah, ketika tengah malam, kau ada di ruang tamu, memegang koper kecilmu. Matamu berteriak – teriak, menantang aku. Padahal, kau perempuan sabar...... dan aku, melihatmu dengan sinis, seakan – akan melihatmu sebagai dinding yang mempertontonkan kegagalanku. Kau menangis tanpa suara. Kau hanya mampu mengulang kata – kata, “Aku tak sanggup lagi....” Aku berkata dengan nada yang begitu menyakitkan hati, “Aku sudah tahu. Seharusnya aku sudah menyadari ini semenjak lama. Masalah itu. Kau tahu, penerbitku belum memberikan hasil penjualan buku, tapi......”

“Demi Tuhan, Ronan! Ini bukan tentang uang. Aku sudah berkata kepadamu. Ini bukan tentang uang, sungguh.”

“ Jangan bodohi aku, Selene. Sekali pun tidak. Siapapun tentu tahu seorang suami harus menafkahi...”

Kali ini aku mendengar kamu memotong lagi, “Bukan! Kau tahu, aku sudah cukup bersabar denganmu. Melihatmu mengasihani diri sendiri bukanlah ......”

“Oh, jadi ini tentang kamu dan kesabaranmu itu, eh?” Senyum sinisku mengembang dengan begitu sempurna. Hening panjang. Aku hendak berbalik dan melanjutkan tulisanku ketika kamu berbicara. Seperti pecahan kaca, begitu jelas, begitu menyakitkan ketika kata – kata itu akhirnya keluar. “Aku cemburu...”

Aku hampir – hampir tertawa sebelum aku melihat kesungguhan di matamu. “Bagaimana mungkin,” sanggahku, “ketika kau tahu aku hampir – hampir tidak pernah meninggalkan ruang kerjaku?” Semua yang kau pendam akhirnya keluar juga, “Aku tahu! Dan karna itu aku cemburu, Sir. Aku cemburu dengan tokoh fiksimu. Kau mencintainya begitu dalam, kau menemaninya siang malam, dan demi apapun, siapa aku ini dibandingkan dengannya? Wanita idamanmu, bentukan dari imajinasimu. Wanita fiksi tidak punya kekurangan. Bahkan di malam – malam yang seharusnya kau bersamaku, kau memilih bersamanya...” Lalu kamu menangis dan tak mampu melanjutkan lagi. Aku hanya mampu mendekapmu erat, “Kau tahu, sayang... ini pekerjaanku.” Tangismu makin menjadi dan kudengar suaramu bergetar, “Dapatkah pekerjaanmu mencintai aku saja?” Kita terdiam lama dan di tengah hening yang menyiksa ini, akhirnya kau berkata, “Kau kehilangan faith kepadaku, kau tahu.” Seperti lampu yang dimatikan, perasaan iba itu pun padam. Aku melepaskan pelukanku. Sebelum berpaling, aku berkata, “Aku tahu kamu akan tetap tinggal” dan setelah itu aku berjalan keluar, meninggalkanmu sendirian di ruang tamu yang sempit itu.

 *** 

 “ Dan kamu tetap tinggal...” , suara penulis itu terdengar penuh takjub. Perempuan itu hanya mampu tersenyum di sela – sela tangisnya. “ Karna aku tahu...,” ujarnya. Dan ia pun melanjutkan ceritanya, “ Ingatkah kau...?”

*** 

 Ingatkah kau, di malam ketika kita pertama kali berkencan? Ketika itu, untuk pertama kalinya aku tahu kalau yang aku tulis sungguh – sungguh ada.
Kita pertama kali keluar bersama, ketika kita malam di suatu hari yang dingin di pertengahan bulan September. Aku berpikir untuk mengajak dirimu ke Delmonico’s, tempat yang begitu terkenal akan steaknya. Waktu itu aku baru saja mendapat honor sebagai penulis lepas. Kau, yang menurut teoriku waktu itu adalah bentukan gerakan “girl power” 1950an, hanya tertawa ketika aku menyampaikan ideku, kau mengajakku untuk nonton saja. Film Audrey Hepburn yang terbaru baru keluar, katamu. Sesungguhnya aku tidak begitu suka Audrey Hepburn, aku lebih suka Grace Kelly sebelum dia menjadi Putri Monaco, tapi aku diam saja. Ketika kita keluar dari cinema setelah menonton Holly di “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, kita berjalan melewati sungai, melewati kedai es krim, sambil asik bercerita. Tanpa sadar, kita sudah sampai di depan apartemenmu.

Aku hendak pergi, ketika kau memanggilku dan menyuruhku masuk. Aku kemudian melihat – lihat koleksi piringan hitammu, tertarik dengan begitu banyak koleksi Frank Sinatra disana. Kau mengambil satu, dan tak lama kudengar “Moon River”, lagu yang baru saja menjadi pengisi film yang baru saja kita tonton, dan aku menyadari kau sedang menatapiku lama. Aku berjalan ke arahmu, mengulurkan tanganku, dan tahu – tahu kita sudah berdansa. Berdansa biasa saja, rasanya seperti menemukan sesuatu yang pas, yang tidak kau cari, tetapi ternyata eksis keberadaannya. Suasananya begitu menghanyutkan, tetapi kemudian aku sadar. Logika ku berontak, melawan mengikuti arus. Sebelum terlambat, pikirku. Sebelum jatuh lebih dalam dan lebih sakit lagi. Aku berdeham, “My lady, kau tahu, aku hanya penulis lepas. Aku tidak mungkin dapat memberikanmu apa yang...,” perkataanku terhenti cepat ketika bibirmu menyentuh bibirku. Begitu cepat, aku bahkan tidak dapat berpikir ketika kamu melepaskan diri, menjauh, dan tersenyum “Aku tahu”. Saat itu aku tahu aku telah terjebak. Terjebak selamanya. Malam itu aku tidak pulang.
     Dan sungguh.........
*** 

 “Sungguh aku, saat itu aku...,” perkataannya terhenti sejenak. “Demi Tuhan, Selene, jangan menangis seperti ini.” Laki – laki tua itu sungguh tak lagi bisa menahan. Setiap tatapan perempuan itu seperti pisau yang menusuknya dalam – dalam.
“Kau tahu, Selene, aku mungkin tidak pernah mengatakan kepadamu secara langsung, tapi aku sungguh cinta...”

Dan disaat itulah ia melihat keajaiban itu. Ia melihat Selene tersenyum. Tersenyum! Dan ia akhirnya merasa lega. Setelah semuanya ini, akhirnya kata – kata itu keluar juga. Ia lalu memejamkan mata, sama seperti orang tua kebanyakan yang mudah merasa lelah. Ia menghirup nafas dalam – dalam, merasakan aroma tubuh Selene perlahan memasuki rongga – rongga pernafasannnya.

Kemudian, seakan terbangun dari mimpi, ia membuka mata. Dan ia menyadari, bahwa ia...sendirian. Aroma Selene sudah tidak ada. Bahkan lekuk tempat tidur di salah satu sisi kasurnya, tak lagi ada. Tiba – tiba ia merasa begitu kedinginan. Ia menarik selimutnya dan memegangnya erat – erat.

Dari celah kamarnya, ia dapat melihat, bulan tampak begitu indah. Selene tidak ada. Sudah tidak ada. Tidak pernah benar – benar ada. Entahlah, ia mungkin sudah tua, tetapi benaknya masih dapat mengingat setiap detail tentang Selene.

Ia sekali lagi melihat bulan yang tampak begitu menghipnotis itu. Detik – detik masih berdetak dengan gelisah. Ia lalu mencoba memejamkan mata kembali, dan kini... ia menemukan

Selene lagi. Lagi, dan lagi. Bayangan Selene ada dimana – mana. Dan sayup – sayup, ia mendengar dengan begitu jelasnya. Lagu yang ia sudah terpatri selamanya di hatinya, yang menghantui benaknya sekian lama...

~ Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style, someday...
You dream maker, you heart breaker.
Wherever you’re going, I’m going your way  ~

Semakin lama, lagu itu semakin jelas terdengar. Dan ia dapat melihat Selene dengan jelas sekarang, menari – nari sendiri di tepi sungai. Ia semakin mendekat. Tidak mungkin, pikirnya. Tidak mungkin. Selene tidak ada.

Berteman dengan imajinasi begitu lama dapat membuatmu menjadi gila, Ronan, ujar akal sehatnya. Tapi ia dapat melihat dengan jelas, dan ia langsung berlari turun ke jalanan. Itu, Selene! Dia ada. Dia ternyata sungguhan ada. Jangan bodoh, kali ini sisa-sisa logikanya mencoba memperingatkan. Masa bodohlah, ia melihat pujaan hatinya, masakan dia diam saja? Ia mengejar Selene. Akhirnya, Selene, akhirnya, Selene bukan hanya bagian dari khayalanku saja. Dan untuk pertama kali dalam hidupnya, ia merasa tidak begitu kesepian lagi.

*** 

Seorang pemuda berjalana di hari Minggu yang cerah di
Central Park. Anak kecil tampak berlarian kesana – sini. Ia membawa surat kabar hari Minggu sambil mencari tempat duduk. Ketika dapat, ia mulai membuka surat kabarnya dan mulai membaca.

Di halaman ke lima, ia menemukan suatu berita di sudut kanan bawah :
“ NYC – Penulis ternama itu sudah tiada. Ronan Williams, yang terkenal sebagai penulis terkenal di masa 1960-1980an itu kini sudah menutup matanya di apartemennya, di Bronx, Sabtu dini hari. Penulis berusia 75 tahun ini meninggal tanpa meninggalkan seorang anak ataupun istri. Sepanjang hidupnya, Williams telah menulis lebih dari 10 buku – 4 di antaranya masuk ke jajaran buku terlaris pada zamannya. Buku pertama Williams yang terkenal dan memasukkan namanya ke penulis ternama adalah “Moon River”, yang rilis tahun 1968, yang bercerita tentang tokoh kesayangannya, Selene. Buku itu dinobatkan ...”


Pemuda itu membalik surat kabarnya karna tidak tertarik. Ia mulai membaca lagi tentang perekonomian dunia, tentang perang Suriah, tentang pemilihan presiden. Kemudian setelah beberapa lama terus membaca, ia meninggalkan korannya di bangku taman.

New York City, Minggu pagi, penulis ternama itu segera terlupakan zaman.

- Tamat –

It feels weird writing to you again.

Hello you, stranger.
Or should I begin with, "Dear..."? 

It doesn't matter, does it? It feels weird to writing to you again. After all those thousands of words spilled out only for you, now I begin asking why I ever wrote at the first place. After all these years I've spent waiting, now I'm asking myself :

Was it ever worth it? 

Writing to you feels weird because I've stopped writing to you and/or for you. Why should I dedicate anything who won't even bother with my existence? And it made me stop writing in general. I started writing on my journal the day you left and now I barely write anything on it. And I know the chance is you won't read this. And it simply means you won't reply. And it makes me feel like I'm a young adult with an imaginary friend....... Well, was it only in my imagination? Was it even real? After all, I'm used with your shadow, after the day you went way, what any other thing you left other than your shadow? 

Ah, and memories. the ones that I threw away years ago. You were supposed to take it but you refused to accept it. But, after all the things that ended up in empty bin, did it stop me from remembering? 

No, the answer is no. Of course I began to forget the voice or the little things you did. I began to forget the exact words of our conversation, or how it really ended. But I remember that it hurt. I remember I cried on my way back home. I remember I asked you to translate the word "goodbye" and all you said was "see you". I remember when we were on the phone and you told me that you would come home soon. I remember how big the moon when we met for the last time, never knowing that I'd never get the chance see you again.... at least until now. 

Even the not talking, not seeing each other part didn't stop me from remembering. Crazy, right? How come you ever meant that much? How come, that in everyone I ever meet with the same name like you, I'll get the flashback again? How come, that in everyone who comes to my life, I will always try the similarities in you? Since you left, I'm being allergic to the word 'goodbye'. And the crying part, it made me promise that I'd never cry and be that stupid again. And it made me be the one who leaves, because I'm fed up being the one who's left. How come you ever meant that much when you actually came in my life for a glimpse, like ...... literally? How come that after all the warning signs you've given to me, I chose to deny it? 

You meant that much probably because you left me one last thing, the most precious one : the gift of leaving. You taught me the word 'goodbye'. You woke me up from my childhood fantasies of happy ending and taught me reality. And in the shortest time we ever spent, you changed my whole life. And of course it hurt, because it actually mattered. For years, I told myself that if you wanted to stay, you would. I always put myself as a victim, because it wasn't easy to be the one who is left. All those rules, all those walls, all those borderlines I've ever made to protect myself from being hurt again. All those scenarios I've ever made to anticipate the ending itself. 

The difference now, this year I'm being the one who leaves. Maybe it's because of you, maybe it's not. And now, putting myself on your shoes, I begin to understand it was a gift after all. Goodbye will always reveal and be the test how much someone means to you, or how much you ever mean to that someone. I've learned that people leave, that sometimes people grow apart, that life always comes in twos, hello and goodbye. Being brave enough to have the hello simply means you'll meet the goodbye in one end and be brave enough to swallow that reality. That everything in life is temporary after all. Even the ones I thought who would never leave....... And even the ones I thought whom I would never leave ......

And all that I can is to be grateful for the times when I still can be together with the ones I love. Or the times I've had with the ones who left or the ones I left. Be grateful because even the hardest goodbyes can reveal that I still have important people in my life who made the goodbye seemed so hard. I've learned that it is equally hurt to leave, as it is to be left. 

I was supposed to write this few days ago. I've stopped counting but I still remember, though. I gotta say that it doesn't hurt anymore. In fact, I don't feel anything at all. Is it because I've finally let you go? Hopefully. I don't know where you are right now, or what you do, or whether you will ever read this or not. But I want to say thank you for your existence, even in the short period of time in my life. I don't know was it actually a fate for us to meet, or was it actually God's plan to put you in my life. Or was it actually by chance or was it simply a coincidence (though I refuse to believe in it)? Either way, I've learned a lot from you. And even when it hurt, I'm still grateful for it. I don't know if I ever mean something, anything to you. But you once meant a lot to me. And I hope you happiness that you will get the bright future you used to love talking about. I can't imagine if one day our paths align once again, it'll probably completely awkward because by then, we'll be completely strangers, but if it's still possible, we can sit and have coffee and talk as old friends and laugh. 

This feels weird, really. But this supposedly be my very last open letter to you. 

Me.

Why did I stop writing?

Last night, I had a dream about funeral.
I woke up around two, I turned off the AC and tried to push away that image from my mind and went back to sleep.

Lately the death topic came to me quite often. Two days ago I was wondering, if one day I die, what will happen to the memories I've been keeping all my life? What will happen to all the pictures I have, to those dozens of my journal, my 'map hidup', my grateful jar, even the photo frame with the ones that became strangers to me once more. Just how long will they keep it before all those things become painful enough for them to see, or when will they donate my stuffs, or throw it, or even burn it? Hahaha I don't see this in a sense of melancholy, I'm just simply curious.

And sometimes I wonder, when a dreamer like me, dies, what will happen to the dreams?

The dreams I've kept inside of me, all these ideas, all of these random thoughts, the thought of changing the world, the hope to make the world a better place

Will they die with me?
Will they bury me with all of those things?

How long will it take for my story to be completely forgotten?

I realized a long time ago to leave a legacy using my words, for words will remain and it will speak what's inside my head, even though maybe I can't pour it all out, you may see a glimpse how I see this world, how I perceive this life, and how these ideas will remain even though I'm gone.

And because of that, now, I start writing again.....

Before that, earlier tonight I just spoke with my friends how different I really am than who I really was last year. I guess I've missed this weird side of me, my own sense of wonder, and such things. How do I know? By reading all those pieces I wrote last year, whether it's just a tweet, a blog post, or even a journal entry. I realized how different my life was. How different things were......

I began to realize how I don't write anymore.

I don't write on my journals anymore. Or even a blog post. Or even make a descent essay for the task my lecturer has given me. How I barely read right now. (and it's probably affecting me).

I simply stopped writing. I stopped splattering my words around.

Is it actually a big deal? Yes.... and no. Yes, because writing has been the only thing I know other than  drawing since my kindergarten days. No, because I don't think I'm a good writer. Yes, because if I don't write I can go mad and all these words will be jumbled up in my head. No, because even I can't write properly and my words will always be messily arranged and still jumbled on the page.

And if I ever trace back my life, I think the one of the reasons why I started writing again was because of him. I remember I bought a journal again the very first day he left. I think what they say is actually true, missing someone can actually be a great thing for a writer. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote. Dozens of blog post, hundreds of day writing (with the day 1 - day 200ish), months that turned into years, and a lot of journals 'til I stopped counting, and stopped waiting, and then...... stopped writing.

Because, that was probably the last thing I needed, to dedicate anything for anyone who will never dedicate anything to me.

But the reason was actually really wrong, and I can actually prove it wrong...... How stupid it is to stop writing simply because of that? I know I will always write because that's just how I really am....

I'm a storyteller, and I will always be.

I will always pour out my life on the page, express my feelings using the combination of 26 letters, and fill this book of life with memories.

I'm going to invent the story and then write it, 'til I'm forever gone and all that remain......


are

words.

It was never random.



I knocked the door. Knock, knock, then silently I came to the room. There she was, a middle age woman, with short hair. She smiled patiently and she asked me to sit down. Then I sat, nervously.

It was my interview day. 

 I didn't know what to expect, then she took the papers - my essay, form, and all the papers which contained everything she needed to know about me. She spoke in Bahasa, even though you can tell she's not Indonesian,

"Tell me, how's your journey until now you're here?"

Journey. Ah, that word.

At first, my words stumbled as I tried to speak. I took the deep breath, I remember I couldn't stop talking 'til the next 20 minutes, trying my best to sum up my life in one simple story.

"It started with a dream", I said. Though I don't remember it vividly and year after year, the memories started to blur. I think I was four or five when I actually had that dream, when I was dreaming that I woke up in my mommy's house when she was a child, and when I walked out the door, I saw a huge grass field and I saw Someone came to me, a man. I don't remember if it was a voice or if it was just a realization that, .... that Man...... is, A Savior. That was my first encounter to ever know I needed a Savior. My mom was surprised because as long she could remember, she never taught me about it.

When I was five, my big sister joined an event called Youthcamp, I never knew until one day I found the book about the event, basically just the information, the rundown, the daily devotion, and all. It didn't interest me enough unless except a simple comic (though now I forget the story anyway) - but all I concerned about was ...... I knew that how my campus life would be like one day.

I was eight when I simply decided which university and which major I would love to attend. Such a huge decision for a kid. I didn't even have strong excuses back then, maybe I just followed some older people's opinions. I don't remember. Maybe I chose graphic design as simple as I didn't want to be an artist. Maybe I chose UPH simply because my sister attended there.

And of course, as life happened and people did grow up. Slowly I was no longer the church-girl. I was being a hypocrite. I learned the curse words. I left the sunday school when I was ten and joined the adult sunday service. I refused to join the youth ministry, simply because I thought it was so exclusive. And as people change, I've learned that dreams do change, sometimes. I remember when I refused when mom asked me to study abroad. But few years after that, when I had a heartbreak, I remember that study overseas was the only I have ever wanted. Even though I didn't have strong enough reasons. I was so stubborn about that goal. I attended so many education expos (the reason why I still have so many emails from agencies now. Meh) and I had my little research. Mum even tried to open a new bank account for her and Mama to save the money for me to study abroad.

But.
God.
Has.
Another.
Plan.

From a funny coincidence I got the application form to UPH. One simple thing led to another, from Mum took me and all the conversations I had with my sister, then to the night I found out I got the scholarship. Stubborn me, I tried to apply to another uni, and I got accepted there. I was happy at first. I thought I could use UPH as back-up plan as I planned to try the scholarship for another uni in different countries. But somehow, I've never managed to do it. And mum told me to accept UPH instead and she said that even if I had the scholarship to study abroad, my parents couldn't afford the living cost. I.... was... so .... disappointed. And mad. I spent my holiday after the national exam feeling so redundant and I constantly put the blame to myself for not being brave enough to try the scholarship or even be determined enough.

I felt that emptiness for months until brand new start seemed so good to me. I needed a new page, for whatever's sake! I tried to be excited enough with all the changes that happened to my life, with the new house, new room, new environment, new school, new friends and all. "Hey, maybe this is the time when my life will truly begin!". I planned to decorate my room, to paint my new room and buy all the cute stuffs for my room. I planned to be Somebody, maybe it's time to do all those Y.O.L.O things I've always wanted to do.

But it was on Friday, one day before the closing ceremony of the festival, when I heard about Students Fellowship. It was when a video was being played, a vintage theme video, and then a random verse came out : "You did not choose me, but I chose you".

Ouch.

Ouch, ouch. Ouch. I gasped. My mind went back and forth to my holiday how I felt redundant, empty, regret after my decision to choose UPH. "God, is that You speaking? Is it true that You already chose me? Is it true that it was never a coincidence for me to be here?". That day, I went to the booth (to be honest my mentor didn't allow me to go far from him but I sneaked out for a little while) and I registered myself for the youthcamp. The same event my sister attended 13 years before me. That, same, event.

It's funny to ever look back and see how God works in your life. I remember that 1,5 months later until I came to the registration booth again to check my name (and funny to see my name now on the registration book now). I don't understand why I still attended it anyway even when I almost didn't know anyone. I didn't even have a room-mate (and now they're close friends of mine). It's funny to think how I tried to run away from God because I didn't want my life to be 'that' holy and the very next year I'm the head. It's funny how last year, my head didn't even allow to be youthcamp committee, and now here I am, becoming the steering committee. Funny enough?

I didn't remember how my interview ended. But I never ever forget that one question. To ever look back and realize that it was never random. It was never random when I found the event book fifteen years ago. It was never random to plan and now here I am, with the same major (that currently I am struggling with) and with the same university I chose when I was eight. It was never random that Ethan was born and I couldn't study overseas. It was never random to even had a heartbreak and tried to go my own way to realize that God has better plan than I could ever have imagined of. It was never random when my mentor said that I could never run from God's calling. It was never random when my senior made joke how I would 'carry the cross' at this campus. It was never random how God put people in my life, and all the experiences that I went through to make me the person who I am today.

I know that some people didn't expect me to be a leader. I'm pretty sure if they could recommend anyone I don't think my name would pop up into their heads. Because I know myself enough to know how selfish, careless, and unqualified I really am. I always ran from God, being Jonah when it came to His calling but I've made a commitment post-youthcamp last year to never run. I always gave up yet I've made a promise to my kids that I will never give up on them. I know how I don't deserve this. And even if I was being arrogant enough, I never thought that I could actually be trusted with this position. Letting God to shape me has been a life-changing experience. These past few months I've gone further than I could ever think of. I've stumbled. I've failed and I've failed big time and I've let down those people around me. I've made wrong decisions. Sometimes I even sacrifice those around me even though I know it's completely wrong. I've learned even though sometimes the learning process is quite painful. I know it's not because God intended it to be that way..... but He has been faithful, despite how unfaithful I could be. Yes, I'm not proud of this, but I've messed up quite a lot.

But...... to ever get down on my knees and pray. To be trusted to lead His people. To actually get the privilege to serve Him, even when I know I don't deserve this. To raise my hand without caring how the world sees me and praise Him anyway no matter how I feel. To hold the vision and even share the vision. To have a family and a home to go back to ........... To actually experience something called campus ministry like this.......

I am grateful.

If I ever look back and remember all those times I felt my life was useless, I've learned that God actually has a purpose in my life. If I ever look back and remember how many times I ever felt like I didn't have friends, now everytime I laugh out loud I'm grateful that I have a family. If I ever read again my blog post and journal about how indecisive I was to pick the university, now it all makes sense.

And that's something to hold on to. To know that God's in charge. No matter how I feel. No matter how I try to run. It's not that easy, actually. Sometimes it's hard to see from where I'm standing. Sometimes it's really hard that I can't do anything but cry. Sometimes I even wonder why I did this and why did I even bother from the very start. Sometimes I even wonder if anything I do will actually give impact. Well, I can laugh now to see why I was so worried and that's something to remember now if I can't figure out something. To understand that this whole journey is never actually about me, and never because of me, is something to remember when I start to do anything by my own strength. To remember that it takes a long process to grow whenever I start to get frustrated if I don't see any results. To realize that how small I put God in my boxes and how big He really is, how sometimes I just think something only for one year my period, when God is a God of eternal and He has better things that last a lifetime. To ever look back and realize what God has done....... Not me, but Him.

Now... for you, for whoever who's reading this, do you ever believe that God has a plan for you? That it was never random for you to ever read this. Do you realize that it's all by His grace?

I challenge you to look back and realize.....


..... it was never random :)
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