One Hundred Thirty Nine
One month after what I can say, the loneliest birthday ever.
Ever.
CN had tried to remind me once that the 21 will be ordinary. It will be like just another day in your life. Though you can be officially referred as an "adult", and it is supposed to an 'accomplishment', don't you think? But it didn't. No celebrations, whatsoever. As my holiday and celebrations now only means an extra sleep instead of special days.
Why I can say it's the loneliest not because I don't have those whom I love. I have. But as I began to get closer to that day, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness started to grow and grow until I couldn't help it anymore. Even in the most crowded place, and the noises around me I felt alone and empty and numb.
At that time I was longing for me-time. It had been hectic for weeks and usually my quiet time also got in a rush. So I tried to celebrate my birthday the different way. I tried to celebrate it with My Maker. After the preparation for the next day's Valentine celebration I walked alone to the soccer field. I sat under the huge writings on the tribune, "I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have finished the race" based on 2 Timothy 4:7. I sat alone and I looked to the sky.
"Okay, Lord, what's next....?"
Last year on my 20th birthday I got Psalm 71 and this year, somehow I was reminded by Psalm 139, which I can say, my favorite chapter throughout the bible. I knew this verse for the first time in morning devotion time during the retreat I attended when I was twelve. I've loved it ever since. I know what's inside that chapter. But somehow, that day, the chapter snapped me.
You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.(You know me better than best friends, than him, than my parents. You know even the most wicked, disgusting things deep inside my heart.)
You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.(You are familiar with all my ways. You know my choices, my crazy dreams, even now when I see my future and I barely see anything. You are familiar with all the roads which I'm going take. Even the memories that I don't even remember, You know each of it)
Before a word is on my tongue. You, Lord, know it completely.You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.(Too many times I asked you "Why". Especially when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying. Too many times I have a hard time believing that You know best. But You do know the best, don't You...)
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.
(Even when I was so desperate to hide from the others, I can't hide from You. You know my tendency to rebel. You know my tendency to run and hide from Your calling. Over and over again I tried to run away from Your presence. And I'm tired of running away from You. Will You let me to run to You?)
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.(I was born unplanned by my parents. But You've planned me. You carefully designed me. What color of her eyes will be? What color of her hair? I was never unplanned).
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with You.(You know my insecurities. You know whom I will marry. You know how my children will look like. You know my days. I trust You. I have to trust You. )
I felt the tears blurred my vision as I read that chapter. It's funny and heart-wrenching at the same time to imagine that God has been there all along. He was there when I was born as a baby - naked, crying, and cold. He was there when I was learning to walk, or talk, or tie my shoes properly. He was there when I was crying over my heartbreak. He was there through the fights, tears, insecurities. He's been a Father for a really long time
I grew up believing I was unplanned. I know my parents always tell me the otherwise. But I simply couldn't help it. I believed that I was unwanted. I tried to define my worth based on achievements that I could made. Whether it's to be the top of the class, to be as busy as hell with my organizations and stuffs, whether it's number of the ticked bucket lists and resolutions that I've made. I may seem like the one who holds it together. I'm not. I'm a real person with real struggles and insecurities like that. But over the years He taught me that I wasn't a coincidence. And on my 21st birthday, He reminded it all over again.
I wasn't a coincidence. He has planned me all along. He has been there, why He won't be there after this? He will. He knows what step He has prepared for me after this. After SFS and all. Why A Creator of the universe ever wanted someone like me, I will never know. But I know that He loves me. I can't never run from that stubborn love. Though I'm feeling lonely, I know I'm not that alone. Though I'm feeling empty, I know He's in me. Faith over feelings.
And probably that night was the best gift I could ever had for my birthday. No celebrations, whatsoever, just one simple hour with My Maker.
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