A Cup of Ginger

2:34:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


This October has been a hard month for me. I have been a train-wreck of emotions. I keep saying things I don't mean. Binge-eating. Crying when I'm alone. Yelling at anyone who disturbs me. Knowing that I shouldn't stress out make me more stressed out. And realizing that what I do is 'Christian' thing frustrates me even more. I avoid almost everyone, staying hermit for weeks. And I can say, sleep-deprived does not help this situation at all.

This week I feel unappreciated for every single effort I made and it made the list longer. I realize I'm being ungrateful but I really feel like I'm walking alone. Especially with my family. I have no energy to explain to them what I am doing. They don't understand. What they understand is ... what I do is costly. And it does. It really does. 

Every Thursday when I have to go to Jakarta - Tangerang by bus, usually I don't sleep so that I don't arrive late to meet my lecturer. That was one of those days. I haven't slept and by a simple rebuke, I cried in front of my dad. I cried out loud. With voices. While pasting double tape on my artwork. While rushing to go to campus and I was already late. If you know the relationship between us you'd be surprised. I rarely show my emotions in front of him. So maybe I was that tired...... And maybe it was not because of things he did but what I thought he didn't do. 

Yesterday as I took honey, I asked him, "jahenya gaada?". Because I usually sleep by 4-5 am everyday, I always drink or eat any kind of thing that will help me to stay fit and stay awake. It could be honey, ginger, warm milk, tea, coffee, Pocari, Tolak Angin, vitamin, any kind of thing. Sometimes I mix ginger powder with coffee or honey in replacement of Tolak Angin. He didn't reply any word. 

This midnight, as I took any more honey, I realized there were two jars of ginger powder. I know it's the simplest thing, but I realize how ungrateful I've been. I know we have different love language, and he shows his support not by putting it into words or spending more time with me, but through his act of service. I know he tries to work hard to pay for me to print any more artwork to show to my lecturer. I know he stops using printer when I took the printer upstairs to print my papers. I know that when there was a fire in the neighborhood the first thing he did was to make sure the kids were safe and well-eaten. I know that even when he disconnected the phone because he was too pissed off when I called him to say my laptop is broken, he texted me again few minutes later to ask what he could do. He knows because even though it's not grand act of love, it is visible in the tiniest detail of my being. 

This time,  it took me two jars of ginger powder at two am to realize that. 


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Imago

10:54:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


I came back home at 5 am. After spending all night long at a junk food restaurant near the gas station. I put the wrong pickup address so I had to walk under the street light. It was dark and cold and I was tired. After one hour of blank paper, my mind couldn't work properly (maybe because of sugar rush, but it could be because of lack of sleep. I am sleep deprived for the past month). I decided to go home. Even though that day was the deadline.

As the ojek driver took me home, I started to see the dawn. How the color shifting from black to blue to the combination of blue and yellow. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Something that so serene and peaceful. But in my limitations as human, I was frustrated. I couldn't stop thinking these thoughts.

You, the Great Designer
The maker of Heaven and earth
The designer of its system
The writer of this grand story
From the tiniest detail of a microba
and chemical compounds
To the highest mountains
The painter of every single sunrise
The One who knows how deep the ocean is
The One who created the cycle of life
The designer of it all
Is it true that I was created in Your being?
I looked at my empty hands
Then why I couldn't create? 

As I scrolled to another artist's feed
Why I couldn't create? 
As I stared on my blank paper
Why I couldn't create? 
As I saw my crooked lines of drawing
Why I couldn't create?
As I spend any other night of not sleeping
Why I couldn't create?

 I know it seems ungrateful
But that was my 5am of desperate thought.
I went home and I decided to sleep

But humans,
The way humans perceive things
The way we work, the way we sleep
The way we see beauty
It is already a proof of how we are created in His likeness
Even the ability to think to create is actually a grace
And I only need to walk forward from this grace upon grace
Not desperately trying to look at my empty hands but His
Not desperately trying to achieve the perfection
That only can be found in Him
I only need to refer to Him
as designer seeks reference to the greater designer
I only need to look to the Greatest designer of it all

This time,
I will try to create again
I kinda have to...



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A Pilgrim's Progress

10:02:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments



Lord I'm tired, so tired of traveling
This straight and narrow
is so much harder than I thought
On this road, I've met both doubt and pain
I've heard their voices say
“Boy, you've given all you've got"

BUT there is a crowd of witnesses,
The ones who've run this race
Even louder than my fears they're crying
“Boy, oh lift your face. . .!"

“… Keep running, keep running
Don't look back, dont you give up now
Dont turn around
You've got to find a way somehow
Keep reaching, keep fightin
The pain cannot compare to the reward
That will be yours
That waits in store
for those who just keep running”

On this path, this fight for holiness
I’ve struggled and i've bled
Through these dangers toils and snares.
And i've got foes,
their sorry voices call
saying “Boy you're bound to fall,
with that heavy cross you bear"

I remember One who died to win this race
He took the cross, he crushed the grave
Oh I can hear my Saviour say…
“… Keep running …”

Don’t turn aside
No compromise
Just lift your eyes
To the glory that’s coming

If you’re like me
And you feel you can’t go on
Think you’ll never see the dawn
And you’re just about to break
Well don’t stop now
Know that every sacrifice
It’ll all be worth the price
When you finally see His face

Just keep running
Don’t look back, don’t you give up now
Don’t turn aside, got to find a way
Dig deeper, run harder
The pain cannot compare to the reward that will be yours
Waits in store, so take My hand
Because you can’t do this alone
Until you hear that sound
Until your race is complete
Find a way to just
Go running
Keep going
Keep praying
Believing
Keep fasting
Keep singing
Keep dreaming
Keep praying
He’s coming
He’s waiting
Arms open
So keep running.

- A Pilgrim's Progress (Keep Running), Matt Papa

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