Imago

10:54:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I came back home at 5 am. After spending all night long at a junk food restaurant near the gas station. I put the wrong pickup address so I had to walk under the street light. It was dark and cold and I was tired. After one hour of blank paper, my mind couldn't work properly (maybe because of sugar rush, but it could be because of lack of sleep. I am sleep deprived for the past month). I decided to go home. Even though that day was the deadline.

As the ojek driver took me home, I started to see the dawn. How the color shifting from black to blue to the combination of blue and yellow. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Something that so serene and peaceful. But in my limitations as human, I was frustrated. I couldn't stop thinking these thoughts.

You, the Great Designer
The maker of Heaven and earth
The designer of its system
The writer of this grand story
From the tiniest detail of a microba
and chemical compounds
To the highest mountains
The painter of every single sunrise
The One who knows how deep the ocean is
The One who created the cycle of life
The designer of it all
Is it true that I was created in Your being?
I looked at my empty hands
Then why I couldn't create? 

As I scrolled to another artist's feed
Why I couldn't create? 
As I stared on my blank paper
Why I couldn't create? 
As I saw my crooked lines of drawing
Why I couldn't create?
As I spend any other night of not sleeping
Why I couldn't create?

I know it seems ungrateful
But that was my 5am of desperate thought.
I went home and I decided to sleep

But humans,
The way humans perceive things
The way we work, the way we sleep
The way we see beauty
It is already a proof of how we are created in His likeness
Even the ability to think to create is actually a grace
And I only need to walk forward from this grace upon grace
Not desperately trying to look at my empty hands but His
Not desperately trying to achieve the perfection
That only can be found in Him
I only need to refer to Him
as designer seeks reference to the greater designer
I only need to look to the Greatest designer of it all

This time,
I will try to create again
I kinda have to...