The fault in our reality


I seriously wonder if this world will be a better place if we're completely be honest to each other. At one side, I know I'm completely terrified by my own thoughts, what is going to happen if they know my thoughts? But at the other side, I guess I'm just not into reading between the lines anymore? I have a gift to read implicitly but I guess I'm not interested to decode all these signs anymore

Girls blame guys because usually as we say, guys send the mixed-signals. One moment he's into you, then the next moment he acts like he doesn't care. Girls blame themselves because they expect too much, so they try anything they can to protect their hearts. Guys call it 'jual mahal'. Guys blame girls because they think girls send mixed-signals. So, what's wrong, why can't we be honest? 

I guess both sides try to protect their hearts. Hurt people hurt people. It's the never ending cycle. I think the jerk is just someone who once was hurt by someone else. I guess we weren't born to disappoint others. But life gets in the way, and sometimes, disappointment happens. 

Idk why I started to write this post as a joke, but the more I write, it's getting more serious. The reason why I wrote this because I was too random last night and I asked my best friends (the guys, Mike & Mayer) about how do we know if someone likes us or not? Do guys have the same method to obviously catch a girl, or what? How do you separate 'good guys' or 'guys who like the girls' and vice versa. The discussion starts from there. 

Then..... I see this. 

Mayer :  Cwo tuh tindakannya sesuai dg respon cwe.  Cwo itu adaptif terhadap respon cwe 
Me :  bukannya cewek respond ssuai tindakan cowok?

NAH LHO. HAHAHAH. I laughed out loud when I read this. Seriously, though. We had a further debate later. Maybe that's why. People both wait to start the first move. This made me wonder if actually how many people out there who were disappointed just because they waited for each other when they actually had similar feelings.

HAHAHA. Okay, seriously. This is funny. And sad, at the same time. How stupid and messed up our society is. Will this world become a better place if we just stop complicate things and say what you really need to say? Maybe not about dating but everything. If there is a problem, you talk straight to the internal, not external. If you're hurt, you say it. That's all what it takes. 

I'll end this random post with my favorite quote

If you are going to love me, love me deeply.
If your going to break my heart, then break it all.
If you're going to care, care for me completely.
If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall.
If you are going to stay, then stay forever.
And if you want to leave, then do it today.
If you are going to change, then change for the better.
And if you are going to talk, then please mean what you say

Four - part III.


“And if the man who once upon a time had been a boy who promised he'd never fall in love with another girl as long as he lived kept his promise, it wasn't because he was stubborn or even loyal. He couldn't help it.”  ― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

 Two words,
that glued the whole thing together
Two words, were the only thing that she needed
to be strong when she wasn't,
to be patient when she can't even wait for a bus to pass by,
really patient that she surprised herself
She can even count with her fingers how many days they spent together,
Before it turned to be thousands days apart
It was a silly promise made by a girl who was too young
Who thought she understood love
But he wasn't meant to come to give her love
He was destined to taught her one

He taught her the good in goodbye,
the agony of letting go, which she believes the highest form of love
he taught her about dream, that she is supposed to dream big, and wild, and
never, ever let anyone change it
even though he himself failed to dream big
In his absence, she learned to appreciate his presence
She learned to keep his promise even if the people who made it fail,
she learned that the promise stays the same
She learned that waiting is meant for strong people, and she's not

Time flew and distance grew
People change, feelings change.
Disappointment took its place,
They taught each other what disappointment means
and each time, they remind each other of it
They took separate ways, for good
No words left, even though there are so much things to say
and inside, she actually wonders,
what if,

what if one day they meet at one coffee shop
and just talk, talk for hours
for all the things they kept inside for such a long time
what if, they actually talk... as old friends
who laughed at the past, the way they fell in love with each other,
the foolish days,
talk about his shattered dreams, or her scattered doubts
without feelings left, but just two old friends
who accepted reality that some people are not meant to be together

two people
who once was glued
by two words
that once meant everything

"I'll wait".

September 12th - A night to remember

Back to you


I planned doing this few months before. 2 days ago, I slept only 2 hours. Last night, I came home almost midnight (like only a few minutes before midnight). Tired? Yup, kinda. More mentally and emotionally than physically tired. 

So I planned to come back to meet Mama. She was cremated almost 1 year ago, and she died exactly 1 year ago. We scattered her ashes to the sea. Today, though I'm extremely tired. I took shuttle bus to Citraland, then I went to Harmoni using busway, changed the bus to Kota, then transit to another busway to Ancol. At Ancol, I took another shuttle bus, and walked to the sea. 

There's something about the sea that I always love. I don't know what that is. The smell of salt and the sound is something that always makes me feel like home. I guess sea absorbs our sadness and maybe that's why some people think blue represents sadness. 

I let the wind blew my hair and I said hi to her. I didn't know what to say, so I just talked about something that burdens my mind and soul. Then everything went quiet inside, and for a moment....it felt so... peaceful. 

I took another shuttle bus, and then a busway, then a bus, then took a long walk from Gambir to home. It's a long day. But I'm glad. 

I'm glad that I'm here today, stronger. I'm glad I'm surrounded by friends and family who will always be there despite how messed up I really am. I'm glad that I experienced grief, it made me who I am today

thank you, ma. Thank You. 
I knew for a really long time,
I grew up as an insecure girl
But, really,
I wonder if I ever be good enough
If I ever be happy enough
Or whether my soul will be understood
When, and more importantly, how am I going to die,
Will my dreams come true,
Or will I be disappointed again,
How can I be a good friend,
when I'm just nearly depressed like this?
How can I be a good daughter and sister,
when I know what I want is not what they think
How can I help people, when I just can't help myself,
How can I be overwhelmed when I'm almost empty,
How can I ever be deep, or inspiring,
when I know how shallow I can be
What if they see me the way I see myself?

So many questions left unanswered
But I just stopped looking for answers.

I'm slowly giving up


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