Lessons Learned



terbang,
terbanglah bersamaku dan belajarlah jatuh
bermimpi dan menarilah
selagi es krim stoberi itu masih tersisa di ujung bibirmu
nikmatilah hidup, sebelum hidup itu meleleh di sela - sela tanganmu
sebelum waktu memisahkan kita dari taman bermain yang bernama hidup ini

baca, 
bacalah dan resapilah
obrolan di sela pelajaran sekali tak apa 
duduk bersebelah, dua tahun bersama 
berbagi kisah dongeng yang diam - diam disuka 
karena sebelum dirimu beranjak dewasa dan sadar bahwa dongeng tak pernah ada
dan realita tidak seindah di cerita - cerita orang tua 

main, 
mainkanlah frisbee itu sejauh - jauhnya
bermain selagi kau bisa, 
beranilah untuk memulai, berani untuk mengakhiri
sebelum frisbee itu kembali dan menghantam duniamu keras
seperti kenyataan pahit yang kau tahu suatu saat akan menusukmu di sisi itu lagi. 

duduk, 
duduklah ketika ia menawarkan bangku
atau membawa bunga, 
atau ketika ia memberi pujian 
sebelum ia pergi jauh dan mengikuti panggilan hatinya
karena sekejap saja ksatria itu akan bertandang, sebelum ia hilang
hilang selama tahunan, tanpa kabar, tanpa kejelasan 

datang, 
dan temuilah dirinya di depan gereja ia menunggu
berpayung dan ia akan terus menunggu
datanglah di saat yang tepat, saat ia masih menyimpan rasa
karna apa artinya, datang di saat ia sudah tak lagi menunggu disana? 

dengar, 
dengarlah suaranya yang menyelinap di malam - malammu
atau suara musik yang mengalun sengaja 
sekali lagi perbedaan yang menghambat langkah 
maka sebatas sahabat sejauh itu saja 
berhentilah sebelum kau menunggu terlalu lama 
karna apa artinya, berharap sesuatu yang kau tahu tak akan bisa? 

diam, 
dan perhatikan saja dari jauh
sekali - kali ia tak akan pernah tahu
jika bertatapan saja membuatmu malu
diam, dan biarkan itu berlalu

pejamkan, 
pejamkan matamu saat ia mengenggam tanganmu 
dan menarik tanganmu keluar dari ketakutan yang menghantuimu
pejamkan matamu dan tak usah kau lihat 
ketika ia kembali kepada dirinya
pejamkan, kali ini pun tak akan lama 

tunggu, 
maka menunggu menjadi sesuatu yang biasa 
jika dari semula kau tahu perpisahan tak dapat dicegah 
tunggulah, walaupun ia takkan kembali
bersabarlah melewati hari - hari sepi

berhenti,
berhenti sejenak dan berefleksi
berhenti untuk tak mengulang lagi
beranilah untuk mengakhiri
berhenti ketika kamu tau itu kisah tak berujung
seperti kembang api di malam itu, ia pun akan pergi
.....

maka,
maka ketika kamu berhasil melewati semuanya
berhentilah sejenak
dan lepaskan
relakan
lupakan.

lalu usai masa itu terlewati
belajar untuk memahami
belajar mensyukuri
belajar menerima sepenuh hati
belajar untuk terus memperbaiki diri
belajar untuk bangkit kembali

Dan memulai lagi. 

 (Dedicated to my 11.11 :) 11.04.2016) 

And this is now.



Standing at the water's edge
I dropped my dreams when I dropped my nets
No hesitation, no regrets
I followed You
But that was then
And this is now

You washed my feet and You changed my name
I swore I'd never be the same
But just like the tides, I guess people change
Cause that was then
And this is now

I wish I could go back but I don't know how
I remember when I stood my ground
I swore I'd never let You down
I want to be that man again
But that was then
And this is now

I watched the blind man lift his head
And look his Savior in the eyes
I heard a dead man take a breath
Dropped to my knees as I watched him rise
And I felt the sea beneath my feet
As I stepped out on the angry waves
But You saw the storm raging within
You reached out and calmed me then
But this is now

Just when I thought my sin has closed the door
I see my Savior standing on the shore
With arms wide open
Just like the first time You called my name
You said that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
When you couldn't come to me, my love came down
So take My hand, I'll lead you out
Cause that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
You couldn't come to me so my love came down
Take my hand, I'll lead you out
You'll never be that man again
Cause that was then
And this is now
- This is now, Casting Crowns

The Plan B



It was a nice afternoon.
The sun lit beautifully from the huge windows. We sat on the swing set and on the table where there was a small hill made of mixed-shaved ice. It was cozy, lazy afternoon but it was nice.

We were just talking and chit-chatting. About how things will end up, how it will start the next semester, talking about my internship this summer, and also about her internship. We were talking about the probabilities and all. I told her about my struggles to pick my ministry, my job, my future, and all. So many things to consider. I told her that I was the one who always thinks too far. Who always expects too much. But always prepares the worst.

Then she asked me this question :
" Are you the type of person who prepares for the Plan B?" 

I think for a few seconds before this answer popped out of my mouth.
"Well, what I can say, UPH was my plan B, after all....."

I stopped for a while, she waited for me, then I continued,
"But it turned out to be the best plan B I've ever had...."

 It was. It is. I can't believe that it's almost at the end of my journey here in this campus. I was freaked out earlier today to find that my friend's brother is going to university this year when he just went to high school as we stepped into our university's life. Time just flies.

But in the last three years, after all those memorable and meaningful years, I've realized that what I thought was a plan B, or plan C, or even plan Z was actually a plan A all along. God never made mistake where He put you, or where He put me. There must be a reason....

Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to go to UPH since I was a kid. But during the summer before high school, when I was faced with so many goodbyes and my friends flew overseas to continue their study.....I wanted to go there too. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to study overseas. I tried and tried and tried. And I put down my plan to UPH and made it as a backup plan. But now I'm  here. And I can't think any better university that I'd attend. If I went to study overseas or ended up in another university, I'd never encounter God the way that I've been here in this campus. I wouldn't meet some of my closest friends today. I wouldn't meet some inspiring lecturers or even some of the classes that will change the way I think forever. My life would be interesting, but in so much different way.

This isn't a paid promotion or an endorsement from my campus. It's not. It's a reminder for me as I now make so many plans in my life for my internship, study-plan before graduation, counting and re-counting the possibility, try to apply to serve and all.... that it wasn't my plan after all. That God's plan is so much better. That my Plan-B might be a Plan A at the end. I might be a planner, the type of person who calculates and recalculates her life with pie-charts, to-do-list, random excels, journal-writing, and all. But God knows best. He has been a Father for a long time. What kind of father who doesn't prepare the best for his daughter?

This year as I hold on to the vision of the "Wonderful Unknown", I've learned that I still have so much to learn. I have seen that I can only trust the unseen with Creator who made it all. Who am I, nothing, actually. Last month I've been reminded that I, the unplanned one turned out to be the plan after all. This time, about the second, backup plan, actually a better plan the ones that I've made. I know God made no mistake.  I gotta hold on to that faith. And I know this year will be wonderful. It won't be easy. It will challenging. But it will be wonderful.

I know that. 

So give me another alphabet, I'm ready for another the plan Bs.

Surprise me, Lord.

One Hundred Thirty Nine


One month after what I can say, the loneliest birthday ever. 
Ever. 

CN had tried to remind me once that the 21 will be ordinary. It will be like just another day in your life. Though you can be officially referred as an "adult", and it is supposed to an 'accomplishment', don't you think? But it didn't. No celebrations, whatsoever. As my holiday and celebrations now only means an extra sleep instead of special days. 

Why I can say it's the loneliest not because I don't have those whom I love. I have. But as I began to get closer to that day, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness started to grow and grow until I couldn't help it anymore. Even in the most crowded place, and the noises around me I felt alone and empty and numb. 

At that time I was longing for me-time. It had been hectic for weeks and usually my quiet time also got in a rush. So I tried to celebrate my birthday the different way. I tried to celebrate it with My Maker. After the preparation for the next day's Valentine celebration I walked alone to the soccer field. I sat under the huge writings on the tribune, "I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have finished the race" based on 2 Timothy 4:7. I sat alone and I looked to the sky. 

"Okay, Lord, what's next....?"

Last year on my 20th birthday I got Psalm 71 and this year, somehow I was reminded by Psalm 139, which I can say, my favorite chapter throughout the bible. I knew this verse for the first time in morning devotion time during the retreat I attended when I was twelve. I've loved it ever since. I know what's inside that chapter. But somehow, that day, the chapter snapped me. 

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.(You know me better than best friends, than him, than my parents. You know even the most wicked, disgusting things deep inside my heart.) 
You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.(You are familiar with all my ways. You know my choices, my crazy dreams, even now when I see my future and I barely see anything. You are familiar with all the roads which I'm going take. Even the memories that I don't even remember, You know each of it) 
Before a word is on my tongue. You, Lord, know it completely.You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.(Too many times I asked you "Why". Especially when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying. Too many times I have a hard time believing that You know best. But You do know the best, don't You...) 
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.
(Even when I was so desperate to hide from the others, I can't hide from You. You know my tendency to rebel. You know my tendency to run and hide from Your calling. Over and over again I tried to run away from Your presence. And I'm tired of running away from You. Will You let me to run to You?) 
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.(I was born unplanned by my parents. But You've planned me. You carefully designed me. What color of her eyes will be? What color of her hair? I was never unplanned).  
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with You.(You know my insecurities. You know whom I will marry. You know how my children will look like. You know my days. I trust You. I have to trust You. )

I felt the tears blurred my vision as I read that chapter. It's funny and heart-wrenching at the same time to imagine that God has been there all along. He was there when I was born as a baby - naked, crying, and cold. He was there when I was learning to walk, or talk, or tie my shoes properly. He was there when I was crying over my heartbreak. He was there through the fights, tears, insecurities. He's been a Father for a really long time

I grew up believing I was unplanned. I know my parents always tell me the otherwise. But I simply couldn't help it. I believed that I was unwanted. I tried to define my worth based on achievements that I could made. Whether it's to be the top of the class, to be as busy as hell with my organizations and stuffs, whether it's number of the ticked bucket lists and resolutions that I've made. I may seem like the one who holds it together. I'm not. I'm a real person with real struggles and insecurities like that. But over the years He taught me that I wasn't a coincidence. And on my 21st birthday, He reminded it all over again. 

I wasn't a coincidence. He has planned me all along. He has been there, why He won't be there after this? He will. He knows what step He has prepared for me after this. After SFS and all. Why A Creator of the universe ever wanted someone like me, I will never know. But I know that He loves me. I can't never run from that stubborn love. Though I'm feeling lonely, I know I'm not that alone. Though I'm feeling empty, I know He's in me. Faith over feelings. 

And probably that night was the best gift I could ever had for my birthday. No celebrations, whatsoever, just one simple hour with My Maker. 

I don't want to write about you



I don't want to write about you,
I know I have a lot of better things to do
Homework, perhaps, or read a book or two
I have to remind myself I have next week's due
Instead making these silly, cheesy rhymes that I overdo

I don't want to write about you,
I don't want to make stranger a muse
But all of these things make me bemused
Is it normal to be this confused?

I don't want to write about you
What to write, when I barely have a clue
What kind of girl are you into?
What dream you currently pursue?
Do you like black or blue?
What's the color of your favorite shoe?
I can only mention a few
See, not so much that I knew

I don't want to write about you
It will be too complicated to follow through
To write means to perpetually value
Maybe I am not ready to
I just want to make it as it is now : simple and true

I don't want to write about you,
Nor do I want to feel this way, but I do
I do, at the end, you know I do

Little Souls



To you, to my favorite 8-year-old-soul whom I've once loved,
I guess it's a bit mistake for me to write about you. Hahahaha.
Especially at times like this.
But I want to. And maybe, maybe.... I need to.
You see, you are forever in my life.
I've known you for ages, and at the same time I don't know you at all
You were the first of everything and this time I gotta be honest,
Everytime I get the chance to see you, which a privilege I don't get really often,
I try always to "grab" the idea of me in you,
trying to find the happier, better version of me that maybe I can find in you
Deep, deep, down inside of you
You knew me before reality hit me hard to the ground
We always grow together, though we grow separately, and sadly, grow apart...
But I can see myself getting old as you're getting old
I can see myself in you
I can see that I'm leaving that little girl behind
As you also grow up and became someone that's quite stranger to me now
If I can talk to you honestly, I want to ask this question
If you see me now, do you see her?
That happy, carefree girl who loved everything she touched?
Or do you see someone who tries so hard to behave,
behind the make up and the fake smile on her face,
who will walk and talk the way people expect her to,
Who would never run again with you against the wind?
Who would never giggle but politely smile back at you?
Do you remember that little girl?
If you read this, which I doubt you do,
I hope you know I see you now and I'm proud
You've all grown up, and grow up pretty well
I wish I could be like that, too
But, what I wish the most will be ...
When you see me, and when I see myself in you,
I hope we can still see that little girl alive in me
Most of all, I hope I can make her proud.

Love,
Your-8-year-old-crush
.
"8 years old, we're told
You're too young to unlearn how to smile and hate the world
8 years from now on
You'll forget the art of carefreeness and little girls
So 6 young heart kick start and venture
Into a labyrinth of question marks
Mischevous, wide eyed
We had nothing to hide, our smiles were bonafide

We dreamed of super powers, meteor showers
Climbing towers, magic mermaids, flying ships and finding home
In our unlocked golden coffer all we had was love to offer
A currency that once was just enough
Guess we grew up

These day we cease to give a frail and feeble
Damn, we've got new better plans
Crystal clear, each year
Since June of 2010, we've grown cavalier and bland
We used to dance in rainstorms
Fight our battles, win the whole war
We spoke in flames and held hands while we burned
Now all we ever do is vomit apathy
We mop it with apologies, “I’m sorry”s
I worry... I worry we grew up

Things have changed and minds have aged
We're so far in this unfeasible maze
When did black and white decide to propagate
'Cause everything now seems so…. grey
We've forgotten the beats of our own drums
We've lost touch of tunes we used to hum
We smell of sin and no longer bubblegum
Our season is yet to come

Were houses with water stained walls
We're standing but no longer tall
When did we stop having a ball
I don't recall, I don't recall

Here we are, so far
We've walked a lonely road
We're like nomads finding home
But somewhere far inside the 8 year old resides
Whispering you'll be alright
So let us live, let live
Forgive and hope we don't
Fail the souls we used to know
Let's walk each other home
Little souls please don't let go
This unknown is ours to roam
Our little souls will walk us home"
- Nicole Zefanya, Little Souls.

Worth The Wait


It feels weird to write again.
Moreover, it feels weird to write about you again 
I promised myself not to write to you nor about you again.
But, you see, here's the bigger picture..

Recently, I had a dream
In my dream we were preparing ourselves for a journey
Journey, huh? That one word that you used to love
But actually it was like a trip with our closest friends to faraway cities
And somehow the plan was I would go with you to the destination
With you, my fellow traveler..
We agreed to meet at the set time
You'd pick me up at my home at noon
Our friends already went there before us 
I told them that I'd arrive later, with you, of course
However, at the set time, I wasn't ready
I was in such a hurry,
I didn't prepare myself the night before
I put my clothes and my stuffs randomly to my bag
Because simply I couldn't wait to go with you
Because I thought you'd arrive to my home at that set time
At the time I asked you to
But. 
You.
Didn't. 
Come. 
I waited and waited and waited
I started to sweat nervously 
I moved and circled around the room
I began to go upstairs and I waited there
Seconds turned to minutes that turned to hours
They began to tell me that you wouldn't come, anyway
But, well, I don't know why, in my dream I did not lose hope
Even though the fact told me the otherwise, 
there's a tiny part in me that still believed you'd come
Instead of giving up, I started to unpack my belongings 
All the things that were not meant for the journey
I started to leave it all behind 
I began to put all the things, and I repacked everything
I even changed the outfits that I wore
I tried to seek the more decent dress 
I could say it was the best dress that I've ever had
I made myself ready 
And... just when I started to put on that dress
The people in my home shouted your name from downstairs
You came......... eventually. 
And it was worth the wait 
.
I didn't get the chance to see your face in that dream when I finally woke up
I asked God why it's your name all over again, when I know I finally let you go
Why it's the same name that's been haunting me for years
Is it true that I'll end up with you, or probably the one with the same name,
or probably someone whom I haven't met yet
You see, I dream a lot in my sleep, but usually I don't remember any of it
But when I woke up that day, the dream lingered on
It reminded me of us, to be honest, the years that spent on waiting
Waiting for you to come home while you were on your own journey
The thing is, I was so young at that time,
And like that dream, I was still unprepared
What's the point if you came earlier? I wasn't ready anyway...
We might end up bringing the belongings that are not meant for the journey
I might end up not giving and presenting my very best
The reason that it was your name that showed up,
I can't say if it's going to be you.... it might be someone else
All I can say is now I can clearly see why you came to my life
Waiting for you taught me and prepared me to wait for something bigger
Which is... waiting for God.... to be the church ready as His bride
Waiting for God also means to wait for Him to reveal His plan in my life
Step by step, one by one, all of it, including you
However, during that time, the best thing to do is to prepare the very best
Doing things that I've been doing for awhile now
Prepare the land, as if it's going to rain even in the drought
There are things I've been praying for, I'm struggling with,
All the things that made me forget about you at the first place
All the calling, all the missions, all the paths have yet to come
It takes a little patience, it takes a lot of faith
When it's the time, it will not be too early nor too late
From that dream, I knew... I just knew that you'll show up eventually
You will. I'm sure of that. Even if it's not 'you' that I wanted
But you will.
You will be the best friend and the best fellow traveler ever
To travel with me as two pilgrims in this life.
It's going to be amazing. It's going to be exciting.
It's not going to be easy.....
But it's going to be worth all the waiting :)
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