He designs a life she loves

"The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming."

- Romans 8:18

To you,

I try to wonder how the finish line will be like

Right now, with the upcoming deadlines and all,

It's harder than ever to imagine it that way

I imagine it will be a day with a light rain

You will attend on my graduation day

I can finally say to you, "I've made it"

But now, it's hard to imagine it that way

As I called you in the middle of the night with shaky voice

Exhausted as I've been, sick as I am, being vulnerable and weak

Admitting silently that you're right. That you're always right.

Too often I am too focused on my own track I forget about myself

Too often I am too focused and forget about you, too

Sorry that my dreams may not align with yours

I'm not even ready to ask or to tell you that
I'm still trying to figure it all out

I know you'll always be annoyed with my choices

You never understand me the way they do

You may never get it why I do what I do

But in the end, when they all leave and forget me

You'll always be the one who will stay

You'll always be the one who will pray

You'll always be the one whom I turn to

So I can't promise I can make you proud

But with all these tears and struggles,

I simply want you to know.... in every step,

I'm doing this with thought of you
and I hope you know that

Love.

"Here we go, going in alone into the dark and wonderful unknown, let us go, let us go"
- Wonderful Unknown, Ingrid Michaelson

Every December for the last few years, I will start reflecting what God has been doing my life throughout the year and seeking for what He's going to do for the upcoming year. Last year made no difference. I had chickenpox at the end of November and I had extra 2 weeks to stay at home, doing nothing. That was the time when I got the chance to think and rethink everything.

I did not know why but somehow I got a blurry vision. For me at that time, 2016 seemed so blurry with every change I'd face and all. I couldn't explain it why. But all I knew, 2016 would be a leap of faith for me.

Then through the devotions and all. I was reminded over and over again of this sentence "I will be with you" from Isaiah 43. And somehow I got out of nowhere the Valley of Vision's prayer for new year:

"I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with Thee, O Father as my harbour,
Thee, O Son, at my helm,
Thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to Thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free."
- part of Praying for A New Year - Puritan Prayers

then later I got this prayer from Sir Francis Drake that inspired me so much:

"Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love."

Somehow, I got the vision and I used the words "Wonderful Unknown" based on Ingrid Michaelson's song title (the lyrics didn't mean a lot except a story about newly wed). I barely see anything for 2016.... all things seemed so unpredictable. But I know it will be wonderful. The only predictable thing is that I know my God is good.

I think God always has something interesting when it comes to sea. Whether to find disciples, walk on the water, part the sea, calm the storm, by faith to throw the mountains in the midst of it, put someone in the belly of the whale, cast our sins, or even to describe His love. It's just the wonder, the fascination, the mystery of it. As I'm facing the uncertainties and sailing to the unknown this year, I let Him be the captain.

So basically the vision is to embark and embrace the unknown journey with known God. So the emphasis will be TRUST, EXPLORE, and REVEAL all the way of this pilgrimage. So however it will end up, whether in the belly's whale, walk on the storm, calm the raging seas, cast our sins, or even part the sea.... I will be valiant enough to go on if I'm with Him.

And through these last 4 months, I can say it's more unpredictable than ever. So many experiences that have made me to trust God more than ever. My plan got mixed-up. I had to schedule and reschedule everything. I have to trust and surrender more than I thought it would be.

Then, for exploring.... I can say I have fun doing that wkwkwk. I start it from the simple things. This year, I start eating foods from places I've never been. Or reading the books from really different point of views. Or even watching movies genres I used to dislike. Try new experiences more than ever. Talk to people I've never talked before. And I start liking some people who were once strangers. For this point, maybe all I can say I'm grateful ;)

Frankly to say, there are so many uncertainties this year. I have classes without my usual classmates, which means I have to work with new team and to meet my juniors. I have to leave SFS and my organization life and start a new campus ministry I've never known before. I have to find internships much sooner just when I thought it would be in early 2017. I have to made myself clear about my Christian worldview in order to find new place to grow in new community. I also have these never-ending questions for God about whether should I stay, should I go. It became clear that I have this heart, whether it's for traditional one, or for youths, or for Christian media. At this point, I feel like I have to leave everything that I've known to sail to the unfamiliarity. It feels like going from Jakarta & high school to moved to university all over again. I have to adapt. And to be honest, leaving comfort zone is never easy. Fighting against flesh is also not easy for me. It's hard. It's uncertain. It's so much easier said than done.

Last year I had one-word-resolution, which was : "Love". And at first I thought this year would be all about Faith. But.... however, as this year unfolds, I also learn and re-learn about love. And hope. It's just never-ending process, I guess.

If you want to know more what this year is all about : Pinterest

Here's a playlist to accompany me throughout the year :

Amanda Cook - Voyage
Amanda Cook - Shepherd
Josh Bates - Never give up on me
Steffany Gretzinger - Steady heart
Steffany Gretzinger - Getting there
Delirious - History maker
Hillsong worship - Here with you
Hillsong United - Oceans
Hillsong United - Captain
Hillsong Y&F - Sinking deep
Jamie Grace - You lead
Bethel Music - You make me brave
Bethel Music - God I look to You
Bethel Music - It is well
Bethel Music - In over my head
JJ Heller - This year
Casting Crowns - Follow me
Casting Crowns - Voice of truth
Ginny Owens - No borders
Ginny Owens - Deeper
Ginny Owens - I am Yours
Selah - Be thou my vision
MercyMe - You know better
Moriah Peters - To leave it behind
Jhene Aiko - Eternal Sunshine
Joe Mendick & Kyle Selig - Sailing again
Yiruma - Lord, hold my hand
For King & Country - Steady
For King & Country - Shoulders
Sidewalk Prophets - Homeless Heart
Sidewalk Prophets - Help me find it
William McDowell - I give myself away
Ingrid Michaelson - Wonderful Unknown
JPCC Worship - More than enough
Sovereign Grace - Gladly would I leave behind me
Aurora - Half the world away
Ivan Handojo - Pada waktunya
A Great Big World - You'll be okay
Worshipmob - Dream again
Hall & Oates - You make my dreams

So here's to the trust without borders, to the wonders of the adventure, to the stillness of soul through the storm, to the hope as the anchor, and grace that will sink me deeper. So here's to the steady voyage as a pilgrim. So here we go. God has been faithful then. He will be faithful still.

terbang,

terbanglah bersamaku dan belajarlah jatuh

bermimpi dan menarilah

selagi es krim stoberi itu masih tersisa di ujung bibirmu

nikmatilah hidup, sebelum hidup itu meleleh di sela - sela tanganmu

sebelum waktu memisahkan kita dari taman bermain yang bernama hidup ini

baca,

bacalah dan resapilah

obrolan di sela pelajaran sekali tak apa

duduk bersebelah, dua tahun bersama

berbagi kisah dongeng yang diam - diam disuka

karena sebelum dirimu beranjak dewasa dan sadar bahwa dongeng tak pernah ada

dan realita tidak seindah di cerita - cerita orang tua

main,

mainkanlah frisbee itu sejauh - jauhnya

bermain selagi kau bisa,

beranilah untuk memulai, berani untuk mengakhiri

sebelum frisbee itu kembali dan menghantam duniamu keras

seperti kenyataan pahit yang kau tahu suatu saat akan menusukmu di sisi itu lagi.

duduk,

duduklah ketika ia menawarkan bangku

atau membawa bunga,

atau ketika ia memberi pujian

sebelum ia pergi jauh dan mengikuti panggilan hatinya

karena sekejap saja ksatria itu akan bertandang, sebelum ia hilang

hilang selama tahunan, tanpa kabar, tanpa kejelasan

datang,

dan temuilah dirinya di depan gereja ia menunggu

berpayung dan ia akan terus menunggu

datanglah di saat yang tepat, saat ia masih menyimpan rasa

karna apa artinya, datang di saat ia sudah tak lagi menunggu disana?

dengar,

dengarlah suaranya yang menyelinap di malam - malammu

atau suara musik yang mengalun sengaja

sekali lagi perbedaan yang menghambat langkah

maka sebatas sahabat sejauh itu saja

berhentilah sebelum kau menunggu terlalu lama

karna apa artinya, berharap sesuatu yang kau tahu tak akan bisa?

diam,

dan perhatikan saja dari jauh

sekali - kali ia tak akan pernah tahu

jika bertatapan saja membuatmu malu

diam, dan biarkan itu berlalu

pejamkan,

pejamkan matamu saat ia mengenggam tanganmu

dan menarik tanganmu keluar dari ketakutan yang menghantuimu

pejamkan matamu dan tak usah kau lihat

ketika ia kembali kepada dirinya

pejamkan, kali ini pun tak akan lama

tunggu,

maka menunggu menjadi sesuatu yang biasa

jika dari semula kau tahu perpisahan tak dapat dicegah

tunggulah, walaupun ia takkan kembali

bersabarlah melewati hari - hari sepi

berhenti,
berhenti sejenak dan berefleksi

berhenti untuk tak mengulang lagi

beranilah untuk mengakhiri
berhenti ketika kamu tau itu kisah tak berujung
seperti kembang api di malam itu, ia pun akan pergi
.....

maka,
maka ketika kamu berhasil melewati semuanya
berhentilah sejenak
dan lepaskan
relakan
lupakan.

lalu usai masa itu terlewati
belajar untuk memahami
belajar mensyukuri
belajar menerima sepenuh hati
belajar untuk terus memperbaiki diri
belajar untuk bangkit kembali

Dan memulai lagi.

(Dedicated to my 11.11 :) 11.04.2016)

Standing at the water's edge
I dropped my dreams when I dropped my nets
No hesitation, no regrets
I followed You
But that was then
And this is now

You washed my feet and You changed my name
I swore I'd never be the same
But just like the tides, I guess people change
Cause that was then
And this is now

I wish I could go back but I don't know how
I remember when I stood my ground
I swore I'd never let You down
I want to be that man again
But that was then
And this is now

I watched the blind man lift his head
And look his Savior in the eyes
I heard a dead man take a breath
Dropped to my knees as I watched him rise
And I felt the sea beneath my feet
As I stepped out on the angry waves
But You saw the storm raging within
You reached out and calmed me then
But this is now

Just when I thought my sin has closed the door
I see my Savior standing on the shore
With arms wide open
Just like the first time You called my name
You said that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
When you couldn't come to me, my love came down
So take My hand, I'll lead you out
Cause that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
You couldn't come to me so my love came down
Take my hand, I'll lead you out
You'll never be that man again
Cause that was then
And this is now
- This is now, Casting Crowns

It was a nice afternoon.
The sun lit beautifully from the huge windows. We sat on the swing set and on the table where there was a small hill made of mixed-shaved ice. It was cozy, lazy afternoon but it was nice.

We were just talking and chit-chatting. About how things will end up, how it will start the next semester, talking about my internship this summer, and also about her internship. We were talking about the probabilities and all. I told her about my struggles to pick my ministry, my job, my future, and all. So many things to consider. I told her that I was the one who always thinks too far. Who always expects too much. But always prepares the worst.

Then she asked me this question :
" Are you the type of person who prepares for the Plan B?"

I think for a few seconds before this answer popped out of my mouth.
"Well, what I can say, UPH was my plan B, after all....."

I stopped for a while, she waited for me, then I continued,
"But it turned out to be the best plan B I've ever had...."

It was. It is. I can't believe that it's almost at the end of my journey here in this campus. I was freaked out earlier today to find that my friend's brother is going to university this year when he just went to high school as we stepped into our university's life. Time just flies.

But in the last three years, after all those memorable and meaningful years, I've realized that what I thought was a plan B, or plan C, or even plan Z was actually a plan A all along. God never made mistake where He put you, or where He put me. There must be a reason....

Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to go to UPH since I was a kid. But during the summer before high school, when I was faced with so many goodbyes and my friends flew overseas to continue their study.....I wanted to go there too. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to study overseas. I tried and tried and tried. And I put down my plan to UPH and made it as a backup plan. But now I'm here. And I can't think any better university that I'd attend. If I went to study overseas or ended up in another university, I'd never encounter God the way that I've been here in this campus. I wouldn't meet some of my closest friends today. I wouldn't meet some inspiring lecturers or even some of the classes that will change the way I think forever. My life would be interesting, but in so much different way.

This isn't a paid promotion or an endorsement from my campus. It's not. It's a reminder for me as I now make so many plans in my life for my internship, study-plan before graduation, counting and re-counting the possibility, try to apply to serve and all.... that it wasn't my plan after all. That God's plan is so much better. That my Plan-B might be a Plan A at the end. I might be a planner, the type of person who calculates and recalculates her life with pie-charts, to-do-list, random excels, journal-writing, and all. But God knows best. He has been a Father for a long time. What kind of father who doesn't prepare the best for his daughter?

This year as I hold on to the vision of the "Wonderful Unknown", I've learned that I still have so much to learn. I have seen that I can only trust the unseen with Creator who made it all. Who am I, nothing, actually. Last month I've been reminded that I, the unplanned one turned out to be the plan after all. This time, about the second, backup plan, actually a better plan the ones that I've made. I know God made no mistake. I gotta hold on to that faith. And I know this year will be wonderful. It won't be easy. It will challenging. But it will be wonderful.

I know that.

So give me another alphabet, I'm ready for another the plan Bs.

Surprise me, Lord.

One month after what I can say, the loneliest birthday ever.

Ever.

CN had tried to remind me once that the 21 will be ordinary. It will be like just another day in your life. Though you can be officially referred as an "adult", and it is supposed to an 'accomplishment', don't you think? But it didn't. No celebrations, whatsoever. As my holiday and celebrations now only means an extra sleep instead of special days.

Why I can say it's the loneliest not because I don't have those whom I love. I have. But as I began to get closer to that day, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness started to grow and grow until I couldn't help it anymore. Even in the most crowded place, and the noises around me I felt alone and empty and numb.

At that time I was longing for me-time. It had been hectic for weeks and usually my quiet time also got in a rush. So I tried to celebrate my birthday the different way. I tried to celebrate it with My Maker. After the preparation for the next day's Valentine celebration I walked alone to the soccer field. I sat under the huge writings on the tribune, "I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have finished the race" based on 2 Timothy 4:7. I sat alone and I looked to the sky.

"Okay, Lord, what's next....?"

Last year on my 20th birthday I got Psalm 71 and this year, somehow I was reminded by Psalm 139, which I can say, my favorite chapter throughout the bible. I knew this verse for the first time in morning devotion time during the retreat I attended when I was twelve. I've loved it ever since. I know what's inside that chapter. But somehow, that day, the chapter snapped me.

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.(You know me better than best friends, than him, than my parents. You know even the most wicked, disgusting things deep inside my heart.)

You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.(You are familiar with all my ways. You know my choices, my crazy dreams, even now when I see my future and I barely see anything. You are familiar with all the roads which I'm going take. Even the memories that I don't even remember, You know each of it)

Before a word is on my tongue. You, Lord, know it completely.You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.(Too many times I asked you "Why". Especially when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying. Too many times I have a hard time believing that You know best. But You do know the best, don't You...)

Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.
(Even when I was so desperate to hide from the others, I can't hide from You. You know my tendency to rebel. You know my tendency to run and hide from Your calling. Over and over again I tried to run away from Your presence. And I'm tired of running away from You. Will You let me to run to You?)

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.(I was born unplanned by my parents. But You've planned me. You carefully designed me. What color of her eyes will be? What color of her hair? I was never unplanned).

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with You.(You know my insecurities. You know whom I will marry. You know how my children will look like. You know my days. I trust You. I have to trust You. )

I felt the tears blurred my vision as I read that chapter. It's funny and heart-wrenching at the same time to imagine that God has been there all along. He was there when I was born as a baby - naked, crying, and cold. He was there when I was learning to walk, or talk, or tie my shoes properly. He was there when I was crying over my heartbreak. He was there through the fights, tears, insecurities. He's been a Father for a really long time

I grew up believing I was unplanned. I know my parents always tell me the otherwise. But I simply couldn't help it. I believed that I was unwanted. I tried to define my worth based on achievements that I could made. Whether it's to be the top of the class, to be as busy as hell with my organizations and stuffs, whether it's number of the ticked bucket lists and resolutions that I've made. I may seem like the one who holds it together. I'm not. I'm a real person with real struggles and insecurities like that. But over the years He taught me that I wasn't a coincidence. And on my 21st birthday, He reminded it all over again.

I wasn't a coincidence. He has planned me all along. He has been there, why He won't be there after this? He will. He knows what step He has prepared for me after this. After SFS and all. Why A Creator of the universe ever wanted someone like me, I will never know. But I know that He loves me. I can't never run from that stubborn love. Though I'm feeling lonely, I know I'm not that alone. Though I'm feeling empty, I know He's in me. Faith over feelings.

And probably that night was the best gift I could ever had for my birthday. No celebrations, whatsoever, just one simple hour with My Maker.

I don't want to write about you,
I know I have a lot of better things to do
Homework, perhaps, or read a book or two
I have to remind myself I have next week's due
Instead making these silly, cheesy rhymes that I overdo

I don't want to write about you,
I don't want to make stranger a muse
But all of these things make me bemused
Is it normal to be this confused?

I don't want to write about you
What to write, when I barely have a clue
What kind of girl are you into?
What dream you currently pursue?
Do you like black or blue?
What's the color of your favorite shoe?
I can only mention a few
See, not so much that I knew

I don't want to write about you
It will be too complicated to follow through
To write means to perpetually value
Maybe I am not ready to
I just want to make it as it is now : simple and true

I don't want to write about you,
Nor do I want to feel this way, but I do
I do, at the end, you know I do

He designs a life she loves

The Unsent Letter

The Year of Wonderful Unknown

Lessons Learned

And this is now.

The Plan B

One Hundred Thirty Nine

I don't want to write about you

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