how i would love to be whole again.

12:38:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


i am pieces of quotes
from my favorite books
stitched together by
song lyrics
and i am glued together by
midnight conversations
and the sweet taste of coffee
and i have this tendency
to fall apart suddenly

and i need you to somehow
be okay with this
because i am created by
the souls who are brave enough
to gather all my tattered pieces
and put me back together

and oh God i would love to be whole again.

-a.k.r.

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Counting my blessings

7:16:00 PM Valencia Ng 2 Comments

So.... my ipad got stolen today. If you really know me, it is one thing I can't leave home without. I used to sleep near it, I brought it to the loo, I used to bring it everywhere I go.

Not everyone knows this but the last few days I had been sick - a lil bit cold and flu and after a few days of rest, this morning I finally felt ......... good. I woke up quite early and made my own breakfast and all, I made hair mask and even got time to apply it on my hair. I planned today things to be........... productive.

But because it was a good day and my sister suddenly asked me if I wanted to go with her to school. I thought........ why not. "Today is a good day!"

We took bajaj and we laughed a little bit because she said my hair smelled like egg yolk. The sun seemed so lovely through the trees near my high school. And we were still inside that bajaj when suddenly  a motorcycle with 2 people on it and the passenger on the back took the ipad out of my hand. I pulled it but he ran away easily. My wallet slipped and fell on the street. My sister screamed and the bajaj driver tried to catch the motorcycle.......... but we couldn't. Everyone watched it but nobody helped us. My ipad...............was gone.

And... I cried. I cried when we tried to detect the ipad (even when we did, we didn't know what to do with it). I cried when my sister called my parents to inform the news. I cried when I got home.

It was just.... last night when my mom and I planned to buy new ipad case. It was just this morning when I was just happy and glad that I finally got better and I thought I could finish my deadlines.

The thing is, it is easy to be grateful when things are easy. But right now, I am trying................ to count my blessing even though it is really hard.

1. I didn't lose my wallet. Luckily some people took it and brought it to a security near the location where my ipad got stolen. when we came back, he handed me the wallet with my id and atm card in it.
2. I didn't get injured. And I am still alive. So many stories when the people try to steal the hand bag or ipad or anything they hurt the victim
3. I have supporting family. My dad helped me at the police office, my sister stood there before me, and my mom said she won't be angry because she said this is a part of experience for me
4. This is  a wake up call for me, if I really want to travel the world. These bad things may happen. It is like a slap to the harsh reality
5. I still have home, computer, etc
6. I still have friends and family
7. This motivates me to help my parents to earn my own money
8. This opens my eyes to those who really care, and who don't. Who stood by my side and who never will.
9. I realize that a few seconds really matter
10. Like what my mom said, this was just a part of experience. Though it is really bad and hard to swallow...
11. I learn to let go

Here's to you, my beloved readers. Be careful. The thing is, we've heard it all before. I was careful everytime I went home alone at night or public transportation, but the moment when I wasn't careful... even just for split-seconds - I lost everything. Believe me, I played scenario in my head before over and over again  - to made the plan when bad things happen to me. But when it happened, I just didn't know what to do.  I knew that bad things happen around us, I just didn't expect for it to happen to me.

Be careful.

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The Reason Why

10:59:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


Song by Rachael Yamagata 

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you

But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

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Ask.fm/fvalencian

9:33:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


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Challenge Accepted - part II

1:53:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Melanjutkan hasil dari blog challenge summer lalu. 


#7 What is your dream job, and why? 
Dulu gw bermimpi menjadi graphic designer. Semakin gw besar, gw sadar gw pengen lebih. Gw pengen menjadi seorang "artist"/designer yang memberi kontribusi ke komunitas gw, gw pengen jadi penulis, gw pengen keliling dunia, dan gw pengen jadi ibu yang baik. Gw pengen bikin sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan journal - entah itu designnya, tokonya, museumnya. Dan gw ingin jadi history maker, entah gimana. Gaada kerjaan yang spesifik bisa memenuhi kriteria gw itu, that's why I have to invent it :)

#8 What are 5 passions you have
- Art and design
- Literature
- Philosophy
- History
- Food

#9 10 People who have influenced me and how 

- Mama - she taught me to be strong 
- My parents - for simply being there, for everything
- My sisters - they taught me to be all-out kind of girl. they taught me reality, and pretty sure influenced me for all the decisions I've ever made in my life
- Ko A*** - guru les gambar gw yang dulu suka ngedebat sejarah etc etc dari gw masih kelas 3 SD
- K - he simply inspired me, somehow. He made me love photoshop :p
- R**** - for telling me that I'm the worst designer ever. It made me stay motivated
- Babeh - guru smp seni yang mengajarkan banyakkkkk hal 
- Helen fielding - for creating bridget jones and somehow made me question about love and life

#10 Describe my most embarassing moment
Hmmm. Susah. Waktu itu SPLASH, semacam acara olahraga dengan tema lingkungan gitu di SMP gw. terus gw jadi panitia dan tiba2 hujan dan semua peserta dan panitia berteduh di tengah lapangan. Gw lari - lari menyelamatkan barang dan tiba-tiba kepleset di tengah lapangan dan pada ketawa. Gitu aja sih. Hahahhaha. 

#11 10 Pet Peeves
- Manusia yang bilang gw sibuk
- Manusia yang menggunakan "sibuk" sebagai alasan
- "I told you..."
- only "read" messages
- "k."
- manusia yang pura-pura mendengarkan
- cancelled plans
- auto-correct at my nokia phone. 
- to simply be forgotten
- too-good-to-be-true movies

#12 Describe a typical day in my current life
kalau ga libur ya : 
- Bangun kesiangan - mandi etc
- Ke kampus
- Pulang, biasanya main2 dulu kalo gaada tugas. Kalo ada tugas sih langsung pulang
- Rapat (hanya hari - hari tertentu)
- Ke mall. Beli makanan buat mingguan atau alat gambar atau sekedar jalan pulang. 
- Sampe rumah - masak - makan - mandi - ngegabut buka social media etc etc 
- Ngerjain tugas
- Ngerjain deadline

#13 5 weaknesses I have 
- Very, very insecure
- Moody
- So good at procrastinating
- Perfectionism (it is both good and bad, I guess)
- Indecisive

#14 5 strengths I have
- Intra-personal Skills
- I forgive people easily
- photographic memory
- plan, plan, plan
- perfectionism (once again, it is both good and bad)

#15 if you were an animal, what would I be and why
UNICORN! hahahahha idk, i never think about it

#16 5 greatest accomplishments 
well, this is hard
- 3rd class honors - international certificate - international year of rice
- nilai sempurna untuk mata kuliah kimia. kenapa? karena setahun sebelumnya hampir ga naik kelas karena kimia juga :p 
- best program by BEM UPH
- harapan 1 se DKI Jakarta - lomba menggambar 
- gatau mana lagi yang lebih penting mana yang enggak hahahahahhaha

#17 The thing you most wish you were great at
Hmmm, social skills and appreciating myself

#18 the most difficult thing I have had to forgive
I .... don't know.......I think, the hardest one is forgiving myself for being such a jerk

#19 If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why
London, I guess. I love it. Or maybe Rome or New York. It sounds cliche, I know....

#20 3 significant memories from my childhood
- Di rumah gw itu tinggal keluarga besar. Dulu sering banget main ama sepupu gw terus ngegeratakin rumah. Mulai dari bikin perosotan raksasa dari kasur, main ice - skating pake kaos kaki sama bedak di lantai, main sok bikin tv show dan drama gitu. banyak lah, intinya ga pernah sepi tuh rumah
- Gw pernah mecahin barang nyokap bokap. Terus mereka lagi pergi gitu. Yang gw lakukan kemudian adalah nunggu di tempat mama dan nunggu nyokap pulang. waktu itu kamar nyokap gw pintunya masih geser gitu. terus pas mereka pulang, gw lari ke depan kamar mereka, dan bilang gw punya surprise gitu. terus dengan suara super duper happy gw teriak "SURPRISEEEEE" dan nyokap gw ampe speechless ga bisa marah
- pernah kebakaran rumah gw. waktu itu gw masih tk

#21 If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first? 
REGENERATION HAHAHAH just kidding i got it for my final assignment
Hmm, "flying" or "teleportation", maybe.... that way I can go to all the places I want without worrying about money. 
Or "time travel", i think that might be niceee

#22 Where do I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years
- 5 years
living myself to the fullest in a faraway country, a big city. living all by myself or with room-mate/bestie, pursuing career, or going to mission trips. Traveling all around the world, meet new people, try all the things I haven't tried before. Stop caring what people think. Start finding myself and figuring things out along the way
- 10 years
Start settling down. Have a good income, good future-husband, and a home. But still pursuing career, social work, and traveling, a little less than before
- 15 years
Both mom and wife :) 

#23 5 hobbies and why I love them 
- Writing 
As simple as : "If I don't write, I get mad" - Lord byron
- Reading
It takes myself to a whole new perspective. and the exciting part is, you don't know that the next book you read MAY change your life forever :)
- Walking
It is my therapy. It brings me back to good mood again when I'm too angry or sad. 
- Hanging out with my friends
I love them, and .... why not? 
- Art, art, art
Because.......... I'm loving it! 

#24 My family dynamic of my childhood vs now
Tidak banyak yang berubah kalau dari orang tua sih. Kalau dari kakak mungkin berubah. Kalau dulu kakak gw berdua lebih deket gitu karena umur mereka deket dan gw kayak kecil sendiri dan suka main sendiri. Sekarang lebih sendiri-sendiri gitu dan lebih seringnya mereka curhat ke kita. Dan sekarang semenjak keponakan2 gw tinggal di rumah gw ga berasa jadi anak paling kecl lagi

#25 If I could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat. 
Hmmmm. Banyak. Gimana dong? 

#26 What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong
the whole perspective about christians and feminism. about abortion, and about mental illness. 

#27 What is your favorite part of your body and why
Eyes, maybe. Kecuali mereka sedang sensitif hahahahhaa. Karena dengannya gw bisa melihat segala sesuatu, dan sebagai designer dan orang yang suka baca itu penting sekaliiii

#28 What is your love language
Quality time! 

#29 What do you think people misunderstand most about you
Kata mereka gw sibuk. Dan tidak bertanggung jawab. 
Biasanya tuh orang akan selalu underestimate gw, mungkin dari ukuran badan dsb. tapi ketika kenal gitu biasanya mereka overestimate dan kemudian kecewa gitu. Gatau. mungkin gw emang jago ngecewain orang. 

#30 10 things you would hope to be remembered for
- A history maker
- A journal junkie
- An art admirer
- A traveler
- An inspiring writer
- An aspiring public figure
- A good friend
- A daughter who make my parents proud
- A mom
- A remarkable human-being

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.

11:50:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I spent my last 3 nights crying myself to sleep
Waking up the next morning feel so depressed
and I am tired, really tired of feeling this way
I am tired of being judged "too busy" and irresponsible
If only they walk on my shoes
I'm trying not to keep it all inside
I'm trying to keep my head above the waters
But they only stare awkwardly and the "read" conversations
Because it is easy to hang out and be with someone when they're fun to be with
But nobody wants to be there to see you cry
or when you say all the things that disturb you
And I don't know what else to do
Depressed, overwhelmed, and insecure
I'm drowning in my own thoughts and anxieties

Please,
lead me home
I don't even know where my home is anymore

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Fiction or Fact

8:20:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

"Relax",
that's what you'd say, right now
everytime I get too overwhelmed about everything
you'd take me back to that couch again, just sit
and made me slow down a little bit 
you'd take all these clouds and made myself feeling like a fool
for worrying too much

That was you, like a real version of Jason Mraz in my world
Too bad you can't play guitar and you don't like wearing hats
you'd look exactly like him, I giggled as I said it to you
But you liked humming, anyway, 
when you helped me washing dishes or 
when you insisted to help me cook 
And it sounded pretty nice. 

That was you, with a cup of tea every morning
as the exact opposite of me, who drinks lots of coffee every night
you were the exact opposite of everything, to be honest
and I don't know why, but somehow you completed me

You, with your happy-go-lucky personality
and me, who is so intense about everything
You, the joker, the one whom everyone loves
and me, the introverted geek who can't stand small talks
You, care-free at heart but love the precise routine
you'd wake up and go to bed at the exact time everyday
and me, miss-everything-has-to-be-perfect with messy schedules
stuck forever in everyday's routine but adventurer at heart

"Relax", 
you'd say it again,
and you'd hand me vanilla ice cream or raspberry smoothie
you'd make me laugh really hard at simple, stupid things
to you, life is really simple
what a revelation it was, to my complicated mixed-up soul
with you, I won't worry too much about not being good enough
you made me take that leap of faith
you made me go the extra mile 
with you, the future seemed bearable
you made me take down my walls i had built to protect myself
and I let you to see all the parts of me that weren't all that pretty
I let you see my morning face
and you convinced me that every girl is beautiful in her own way, 
with or without makeup, skinny or not, 
I let you know all my childhood stories, my favorite fairytale, 
the way I loved to carry my teddy bears as I traveled around the world
I let you know my dreams and plans, as scary as it seemed to be
I let you see through my highlight reel, to my behind-the-scenes, 
all my insecurities, my constant anxieties,
I let myself believe in your promise - that silly, stupid, promise
simply because you proved me you'd keep your promise, 
as stupid as it sounded to me - you showed up that night
I let you fly,

We stand at the opposite poles, 
and we met at the wrong time, that's what I keep telling myself anyway
We tried to make it work, I know we tried
But we only got planes, trains, and cars
Maybe in another life when humans invent teleport and time machine
Maybe later, maybe never. 

But we tried. 

though nobody will ever remind me to relax anymore.

(5 am, today, and you readers can decide whether this is fiction or fact or stuck in between. Is this something that is literally happened or something you have to read between the lines? You guess! :) <3>

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