I suggest you not to read this. I bet I'll wake up next morning and regret this post. But I just can't let these thoughts out of my head.

Here you go. 

So, this is it. Another roller-coaster mood before final exam, and what makes it worse, this is my last term to get the scholarship and if my G.P.A is not 3.75 in August 9th, I'll lose the scholarship and have to apply it again and do the procedure all over again. 

Well, I know that my parents will be alright and still love me the same. But the thought of disappointing them is just so...heart-breaking for me. This accelerated semester went by too fast, that I'm kinda surprised next week will be my last week before the final exam. I have to catch up with all the crazy deadlines I need to do, and at the same time, I have to revise my past assignments. I'm not satisfied with my scores. It's not that bad, actually. It's pretty good, but not good enough. And that's exactly what I feel about myself right now. 

I don't feel like I'm good enough. I can see this hole is getting bigger and bigger. I always feel like I don't give my best, even if I spend hours not sleeping to get things done and over-analyze every single project my lecturers have given me. When my posters weren't attractive enough to make people join the event, I feel I'm a failure. When my friends are free to do anything they really want and paint all the pictures beautifully, and they improvise so much, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like something's holding me back. And guess what? It's me. I know I'm holding myself back. 

This thing makes me unmotivated and as always, I get the inspiration block. Ha-ha. And I don't even know why. I love what I'm doing, I'm glad I'm finally right where I'm supposed to be. But why does these things happen? There are so many things I must be, so many things I have to do. 

They say I have distinctive style, they call it valenism. But when they call it, they don't say it's good. It's valenism. It's different. I always loved being different, but why does this thing bother me? I remember 3 or 4 years ago I had a little argument with my good friend about "be better" vs "be yourself".  I don't want to use my style as an excuse for me to not getting better. I don't want to settle. 

I know that sooner or later I will get over this feeling and maybe this is just an emotion based on this situation, but maybe it's more than that. I know I can say, "This too shall pass". I've always said it everytime I get too overwhelmed with something. But I don't want live my life waiting for things to pass before my eyes. I want to live out loud

Hopefully.