I'm that type of girl who learned to read between the lines from a long, long time ago. Ironically, I'm also that type of girl who created the imaginary, blurry lines to protect myself from anyone who could, who might..... hurt me. I'm the girl who built the strong walls, I even created my own dragons. No, darling. You don't have to save me from the dragons and take me outside the castle. It is my own castle, and my own tower, my own dragons and I built it for your own safety. I'm the princess. I'm the witch. That's just who I am.

I'm that type of girl who learned to read the signs. That kind of girl who easily understands the whole concept in a minute. The girl who loves to see the big pictures, the vision of an imaginary place called 'the future'. The girl who still wakes up at 3 am every single night and overanalyze every single thing, whether it's just a stupid project or a life decision. I'm that type of girl who learned to see the invisible signs before the real events. I always see the ending before the beginning. 

I'm that type of girl who tries to remember every single milestone in life. I carefully put the puzzle pieces together. I collect memories as if someday I may have an amnesia and forget every single thing. When I was young, I was afraid of forgotten memories and how memories seemed to fade in time. I was afraid because time seemed to steal everything from me. My dreams, my ambitions, and now, my idealism. 

I'm standing right now at the present. I can't see what's ahead of me. I can't see the future. This is not the very first time in my life I'm feeling lost, and asking where to go. I can't see the ending, nor the beginning of anything. It's like a labyrinth Daedalus created and there's nowhere to go unless I build my own wings and fly away. I built my own maze and now I'm completely lost. 

I'm standing right now and I can't look back at all. I can't see my past. My memory drowned in the Lethe river and maybe it's decomposing right now to its dark and muddy ground. Because lately  I've been spending time and replaying in my head over and over again where are the first signs of trouble I've made. When? Where? How? When it did became bitter? What did I do? And I wonder, what's the use of being super curious, anyway? I don't have time machine and I can't turn back the time to change. It is just what it is.

I'm trying to drawing the lines, marking my life with big blue permanent marker, I'm trying to putting back the shredding puzzle pieces. I'm searching my own pin in a pile of grass. And neither post-its or wunderlist can ever help me to get back on track. Even if I decode my life with all the semiotics theories and see where it will lead me. All the signs have collided and my reality is already distorted. And not me, nor Saussure himself can help me. 

I'm not sure anyone can. In fact, I'm not sure about anything right now. Not even this post.