A Night Walk


Photo by Mark Jefferson Paraan on Unsplash


I remember how big the moon was
As we walked through the night breeze
Seeing your face ignited by the street lights
Promised ourselves we would go to this place again
I stopped for a while, feeling overwhelmed
Maybe this is what people are talking about
You stopped, looked back, stood, and waited
You. With your eyes. And your smile
It snapped me back from my daydream
As I believed I was living in one
As I thanked God and thought to myself
"Has it always been this easy? "

------------------------------------------------

I remember how big the moon was
As I walked through the cold, unforgiving wind
Seeing my shadows projected by the street lights
Promised myself I won't let myself be fooled again
I stopped for a while, feeling overwhelmed
Maybe this what poets try to warned us about
You stopped a long time ago, and never looked back
This time is just another goodbye, I'm getting used to it
You. With your eyes. But no longer your smile
As you said to me that we wouldn't make it
I still thanked God for your presence
For your temporary trace in my journey of life
As I walked I began to think to myself,
"Has it always been this hard?"

12.09.

For the ships that never sailed

Photo by Joël Assuied on Unsplash

For the ships that never sailed,
For the "almost"s, the "maybe"s, the "what if"s
The kind of thoughts that won't let you sleep
The kind of feelings that you try to bury deep

For the ships that never sailed,
For the different paths, different dreams
For all the children whose family intervened
For all the rocks that were thrown into the relationship

For the ships that never sailed,
For all the red signs that you missed
For all the hearts that were too broken to trust again
For convincing yourself, this time, it's truly "lessons learned"

For the ships that never sailed,
For leaving things unsaid between the lines
The "better timing next time"
The forced "see you" to soften the "goodbye"
The awkward hello if you ever pass them by

For all the premature beginnings
The unfinished endings
The unspoken feelings
The somehow-silver linings

For all the ships that never sailed,
All the comfort and the safe of the harbor
All flowers that died before blooming beautifully
All snowflakes that melt before reaching the ground
All the stories that never reached the back cover
This poem is made for you

Just because it did not go as it was expected
Does not make it any less true
They were meant to be the-in-betweens
To teach us to become better partner
Be grateful that it was over before it truly begins
Be grateful it did not waste more of your time
Or else you'd go and risk your heart
On a voyage with a person you did not belong

We'll be more than be the ones who got away
We'll be remembered more than midnight regrets
We'll be patient and learn not to rush things
We'll open new chapter dear, buy a new book
We'll find new places, we'll find new homes
We'll find the person to venture the sea with
And even if one day we still don't,
We'll always be completely fine to sail on our own

Breakin' Free

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
"No one was foolish enough to follow someone else's dream.
No one was selfish enough to cut someone else's wings"
We started off as two silly dreamers
With head above the clouds, feet above the ground
But eyes locked within each other's
For you, life was great tons of possibilities
For me, life was a possibility with you

We ended up, still as two dreamers
Drifting away to two different roads
You will be forever chasing hills
And I am too content with my valleys

So, go, go and change the world
Cure cancer, be a millionaire, study abroad
Meet new people, travel the world, help others
Do what you've gotta do
I promise I won't be still
I'm gonna catch my own

It's the price we have to pay to make history
It's the sacrifice and the choice that we must choose
To change things beyond our relationship.
And if it really does work out in the end,
At least we'll never regret it
Nothing is ever in vain, my dear

We'll find new people to share our dream with.
We'll find new places we can call home.
We'll find each other again if we're meant to be.
But for now, you've gotta be you and I've gotta be me.

So, as long as being separated means you can follow your dream,
I'll be more than happy to make it come true by letting you go.
The day I'm setting you free, I'm setting myself free, too.

- LaLaLand kind of feel
random writing inspired by the past,
but with the hopeful outlook to the future. 

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones



"Breathe.
You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.
You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
 Breathe and know that you can survive this too.
These feelings can’t break you.
They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.
Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass."
— Daniell Koepke

Never Ending Stories


Dear you, whoever read this,

Today is the second day of UPH Fest Day. I can surely say it feels like it is something that is really left behind. We are no longer freshman. We don’t really feel the vibe or the excitement far away from them. This year we are not a committee of anything, we are not a mentor, or anything that would make us busy today. But today, we are here, together.

Can you believe it’s been four years since our freshman days? How you wore white polo shirt with the scarf of your faculty. Like how nervous we were. “Will I ever have friends?”, “Will I get accepted?”, “What will I do in the next four years of my life?”. You know, such thoughts..

The first few months are the ones that we try to adapt from the old life (high school, old friends, etc) to the new life. Big bold change, brand new friends, all those activities that we can’t find in our high school. The first year we somehow ended up, either in the committees or communities that we participated in. But those questions somehow still ring even in the darkest corner of our mind.
But for some of bit something that I’d call as God’s plan, in the early months of 2015....... You chose to join SFS. And that’s how I get to know you. Like really know you..... We became family. We cried together. We fought together (and sometimes with each other). We held hands as we prayed, and worshipped God together. We were once strangers and somehow in one short year, God has put us as a family. God has put us to grow together.

Those are good days, you know. If I ever look back I can say that one year in SFS was the greatest year in my university days. Because I get to know you, all those 32 of you. And I know that as the batch of 2013, we became the big brother and big sister for our juniors in SFS. Because I see how God has been faithful to us. Because we get the chance to serve Him.

For now, maybe it feels like SFS is also something that is left behind (just like UPH Fest). I mean, of course, it has been two years. A lot of things have changed since then. SFS has changed to be SG, the rules and regulations have changed. The leaders of our ministry have changed. We no longer know the new students or servants in SFS.

We may not even see each other as often as we used to. We may not even talk to each other as much as we want it to. Some of us may still continue to have communities, to serve in SFS, but I guess most of us continue to walk our path alone...

But I do hope it really that this journey that you have to take is not entirely alone. You have to know that your sister and brother is here. You have to know that you still can share to us what your struggle is. You have to know that we can always pray for you. We can still walk together and not became strangers once more but walk as a family. I love this quote.
Family is like a tree. It can grow to many directions but the roots remain as one.

So just go on. Embrace this new life. Find the job that you love. Discover your calling. Study again if you want to. Be rooted in whatever you are planted. Go. Make disciples. We are still here. We will always be here. I, will always be here. I can’t wait to be there on your wedding days, and all those meaningful days. I know you’re gonna do great, meet newpeople, and I believe that God will always remain faithful in your life.

Balen 



Hiraeth




When I was a kid,
Home for me was a place
Where I slept next to Mom and Dad
Where I could feel safe
Where I was never alone
I always had cousins to play with
And free ice cream whenever I want

Then the home I knew got burnt
And it became yellow
As bright as the sun!
Replacing all the dull colors I knew

Home was always filled with noises
Of laughter, of screaming,
Or the honks of the car
It was never silent

Home got multiplied for the first time
When I was eighteen and moved out of town
Home became a blank white wall
And my sweet, sweet corner
A place where I could lay my head after a long day
I could be on my own now
The silence kept me asleep at night
The sunlight kept me awake in the morning

As I grew up I started to learn the important lesson about home
Home didn't stay in one place
Home can be felt wherever you are with your loved ones
Home can be felt wherever you are accepted

Not only by blood, not by biological means
Not by the relatives who were happy to see me gone
Not by the ones who asked me to leave whenever I can
Ironic how you began to redefine what family means
How you began to differentiate house from home

For months I have been homesick more than ever
Though I always stay at my own home
The same, old, familiar home I know
The noises remains the same,
But the noises inside my head are louder
And the heart remains empty as far as I concern

I have a hard time sleeping each night
So I stay awake til I can't stay awake anymore
Until the sun begins to rise each morning
No matter how many sleeps I take doesn't help at all
I still long for the unknown, for the uncertain
I still feel homesick for the places I've never been

Our home is in the next life, they say
Our home is wherever your heart is, they tell me
But maybe home is neither here nor there

Maybe it's true that home is in far away countries
A flat in the middle of the city, perhaps
Or a small house of the countryside
Maybe it's the place where I can  reach my dreams
The place I can  leave my past behind

Maybe home is inside your heart
Where you are most content with yourself
Maybe my heart isn't that pretty
Maybe my soul is too broken to begin with

But maybe, maybe,
Home is wherever you are loved
When you are not so lovable

If that so,
Why am I still feel homesick?

(#nowplaying Homesick- Kings of Convenience)

The 21st Century Pilgrim


pil·grim/ ˈpilÉ¡rÉ™m/ noun
a person who journeys to a sacred place for religious reasons.
synonyms: worshiper, devotee, believer

Pilgrim. Ah that word. I know it's not the usual word that you can find in 21st century. The first time I stumbled over that word was when I accidentally found a writing from Susannah Spurgeon when she wrote about her journey and relationship with her husband, Charles Spurgeon - the famous preacher from the 19th century. Me, being curious as always, ended up googling and I found out that The Spurgeons read "The Pilgrim's Progress" and it was assumed that the word 'pilgrim' in Susannah's writing came from their love of the book. Not so long after that, I downloaded the e-book version from Desiring God. 

I was quite surprised to find that I love this kind of book. I smiled when I read the protagonist named "Christian". I smiled even wider to read the catchy names of the characters in that book. "Hypocrisy", "Talkative", "Atheist", "Help", that blatantly describe their characters; or how Bunyan wrote the names of the places like "Valley of the Shadow of the Death" or "The Wicket Gate" that sound so familiar especially if you grow up being Christian. Though the book was written almost 350 years ago.

Though I love the idea of it, and though the Desiring God's version is the revised and abridged version of the original text, I still find myself struggle to read it to finish. Even when I highlighted all the names, places, and quotes with different colors! I don't know if it was because I read the e-book version instead of the printed one. Or if it actually could use some improvisations

Then I thought to myself.... maybe few illustrations here and there will be interesting. Maybe the color coding for every place or character will suffice. Maybe emphasis on important quotes or songs will help me not to be too distracted. 

And that's how it started. 

The next thing I remember I started finding more about it. Then proposing it to one of my lecturers through random conversation just a few months before my pre-final project class. Then actually doing a presentation in front of the class. 

And then how it went. 

I was quite overwhelmed by the resources I have. This is quite a legendary book indeed, concluding by all the commentaries and versions that I found. And I ended up failing to write it systematically. To be honest the journey hasn't been all sunshine but a rocky road indeed. Though I passed my first thesis defense I wasn't satisfied with the whole result. 

And now how it's going....
Currently I have one thing that I didn't really have in the trimester of design student life: TIME. Now I have plenty. (well not that plenty if you consider the amount of works needed to bring this to realisation but quite enough than most of my friends); The ideas spread quickly. 

But in the end, 
I guess what I want is the pilgrimage itself. Not only the best final project I could ever achieve but also a pilgrimage to get closer to my Creator. I thought of this from the beginning, will it make me understand more of God? will it make others understand more of God? Will it glorify Him?  

So I don't know why it feels like a burden. It feels like the burden to bring faith-related topic as final project. It feels like a burden whenever I do something wrong to those around me while carrying this message. It feels like the burden to represent this to others. Maybe because I relied too much on myself. I know this book is not the bible though it is frequently said "second next to the bible". I know that I don't romanticize this book as the best book I have ever read. But the whole process also made me question and re-question everything I know. 

I find myself in Doubting Castle, the part of the book that felt relatable to me. I find myself got lost because of the advices of Mr.Worldly Wiseman. I had a fear that I might be the Talkative, one of the fake pilgrims in this story. 

But I ended up understanding that the pilgrimage is not meant to be perfect, it just simply meant to be walked on. 

As I have to walk through the next few months to the finish line. As I have to walk through unknown path that He has made after my university life. As I have to walk through this life with some of the companions I've made along the way, even with the ones who left the way Faithful did. As I have to walk the way that is set before me. 

Christian himself was an unconventional hero for he was not perfect. He was laughed by his family. He stayed off the narrow path. He once wanted to commit suicide. He was distracted by a lot of things. But he endured until the very end.

And that's how I want it to be. 

Endure. Persevere. Until the very end. 

Fighting the good fight.
Finishing the race. 
Keeping the faith. 
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