Broken Ladders

11:47:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

People leave, memories don't

7:19:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Your Little One

7:51:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

There's no need to be afraid

Seasons

4:55:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I can see the promise
I can see the future
You’re the God of seasons
I’m just in the winter

If all I know of harvest
Is that it’s worth my patience
Then if You’re not done working
God I’m not done waiting

You can see my promise
Even in the winter
Cause You’re the God of greatness
Even in a manger

For all I know of seasons
Is that You take Your time
You could have saved us in a second
Instead You sent a child

And when I finally see my tree
Still I believe there’s a season to come

- Seasons, Hillsong Worship

13 Reasons Why Not

6:15:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

1. God has purpose for you that you haven't discovered yet. As you were born not as an accident, but according to His purpose. Going against His purpose is never a good idea.

A Cup of Ginger

2:34:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

This October has been a hard month for me. I have been a train-wreck of emotions. I keep saying things I don't mean. Binge-eating. Crying when I'm alone. Yelling at anyone who disturbs me. Knowing that I shouldn't stress out make me more stressed out. And realizing that what I do is 'Christian' thing frustrates me even more. I avoid almost everyone, staying hermit for weeks. And I can say, sleep-deprived does not help this situation at all.

Imago

10:54:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I came back home at 5 am. After spending all night long at a junk food restaurant near the gas station. I put the wrong pickup address so I had to walk under the street light. It was dark and cold and I was tired. After one hour of blank paper, my mind couldn't work properly (maybe because of sugar rush, but it could be because of lack of sleep. I am sleep deprived for the past month). I decided to go home. Even though that day was the deadline.

As the ojek driver took me home, I started to see the dawn. How the color shifting from black to blue to the combination of blue and yellow. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Something that so serene and peaceful. But in my limitations as human, I was frustrated. I couldn't stop thinking these thoughts.

You, the Great Designer
The maker of Heaven and earth
The designer of its system
The writer of this grand story
From the tiniest detail of a microba
and chemical compounds
To the highest mountains
The painter of every single sunrise
The One who knows how deep the ocean is
The One who created the cycle of life
The designer of it all
Is it true that I was created in Your being?
I looked at my empty hands
Then why I couldn't create? 

As I scrolled to another artist's feed
Why I couldn't create? 
As I stared on my blank paper
Why I couldn't create? 
As I saw my crooked lines of drawing
Why I couldn't create?
As I spend any other night of not sleeping
Why I couldn't create?

I know it seems ungrateful
But that was my 5am of desperate thought.
I went home and I decided to sleep

But humans,
The way humans perceive things
The way we work, the way we sleep
The way we see beauty
It is already a proof of how we are created in His likeness
Even the ability to think to create is actually a grace
And I only need to walk forward from this grace upon grace
Not desperately trying to look at my empty hands but His
Not desperately trying to achieve the perfection
That only can be found in Him
I only need to refer to Him
as designer seeks reference to the greater designer
I only need to look to the Greatest designer of it all

This time,
I will try to create again
I kinda have to...

A Pilgrim's Progress

10:02:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Lord I'm tired, so tired of traveling
This straight and narrow
is so much harder than I thought
On this road, I've met both doubt and pain
I've heard their voices say
“Boy, you've given all you've got"

BUT there is a crowd of witnesses,
The ones who've run this race
Even louder than my fears they're crying
“Boy, oh lift your face. . .!"

“… Keep running, keep running
Don't look back, dont you give up now
Dont turn around
You've got to find a way somehow
Keep reaching, keep fightin
The pain cannot compare to the reward
That will be yours
That waits in store
for those who just keep running”

On this path, this fight for holiness
I’ve struggled and i've bled
Through these dangers toils and snares.
And i've got foes,
their sorry voices call
saying “Boy you're bound to fall,
with that heavy cross you bear"

I remember One who died to win this race
He took the cross, he crushed the grave
Oh I can hear my Saviour say…
“… Keep running …”

Don’t turn aside
No compromise
Just lift your eyes
To the glory that’s coming

If you’re like me
And you feel you can’t go on
Think you’ll never see the dawn
And you’re just about to break
Well don’t stop now
Know that every sacrifice
It’ll all be worth the price
When you finally see His face

Just keep running
Don’t look back, don’t you give up now
Don’t turn aside, got to find a way
Dig deeper, run harder
The pain cannot compare to the reward that will be yours
Waits in store, so take My hand
Because you can’t do this alone
Until you hear that sound
Until your race is complete
Find a way to just
Go running
Keep going
Keep praying
Believing
Keep fasting
Keep singing
Keep dreaming
Keep praying
He’s coming
He’s waiting
Arms open
So keep running.

- A Pilgrim's Progress (Keep Running), Matt Papa

I had a dream

11:59:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

I was a little girl alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down on me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep
I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree
I had a dream
Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full and I lived it well
There's many tales I've lived to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing
- Priscilla Ahn, Dream

Used to share the same dream. Look at us now.

Let me see Your face

12:35:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Your weakness has you hiding in shame
The knowledge that you're not as strong as you thought you were
You're so afraid of what lies ahead
You're thinking how will you run over the hills with me

Well I'm not leaving you now
I'm still here

So let me see your face
Let me just hear your voice
Let me see the one I want so near

I see the longing under the fear
I see it in your heart to finish the race with Me
I know if you just say yes again
Together we can make the longing reality

Cause I'm looking ahead, I can already see you leaning
I'm looking ahead down the road, I can already see you trusting
I'm looking ahead, I can already see you running with me
I'm looking ahead, I can already see you leaning

- Let see your face, Jon Thurlow

In this darkness

1:50:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash

The sun rises each morning to uncover
One day is now another, where dark clouds hover still
Keep praying for a miracle to happen

To rise up from these ashes,
or at least that's how it feels
And time seems like the enemy
And hope so far away
And once again I'm on my knees
With no words left to pray

But in this darkness still You find me
And You draw me to Your light
Though the shadows deepen, I can see
In this darkness, still You shine

Was it like this in Your desperate hour
Did it take all Your power to endure all the pain
Was it why You chose to be an offering
To join me in my suffering
To meet me in this place
This night is not my enemy
There'll be a sunrise soon
I'm holding on to all I have
Lord, all I have is You

But in this darkness still You find me
And You draw me to Your light
Though the shadows deepen, I can see
In this darkness, still You shine

Still You shine through the rain and the rolling thunder
Shine in the eyes of a loving friend
Shine in my night, turning doubt to wonder
Shine as the light that has no end

- In this darkness, Ginny Owens

A Night Walk

10:51:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Photo by Mark Jefferson Paraan on Unsplash

I remember how big the moon was
As we walked through the night breeze
Seeing your face ignited by the street lights
Promised ourselves we would go to this place again
I stopped for a while, feeling overwhelmed
Maybe this is what people are talking about
You stopped, looked back, stood, and waited
You. With your eyes. And your smile
It snapped me back from my daydream
As I believed I was living in one
As I thanked God and thought to myself
"Has it always been this easy? "

------------------------------------------------

I remember how big the moon was
As I walked through the cold, unforgiving wind
Seeing my shadows projected by the street lights
Promised myself I won't let myself be fooled again
I stopped for a while, feeling overwhelmed
Maybe this what poets try to warned us about
You stopped a long time ago, and never looked back
This time is just another goodbye, I'm getting used to it
You. With your eyes. But no longer your smile
As you said to me that we wouldn't make it
I still thanked God for your presence
For your temporary trace in my journey of life
As I walked I began to think to myself,
"Has it always been this hard?"

12.09.

For the ships that never sailed

1:32:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Photo by Joël Assuied on Unsplash

For the ships that never sailed,
For the "almost"s, the "maybe"s, the "what if"s
The kind of thoughts that won't let you sleep
The kind of feelings that you try to bury deep

For the ships that never sailed,
For the different paths, different dreams
For all the children whose family intervened
For all the rocks that were thrown into the relationship

For the ships that never sailed,
For all the red signs that you missed
For all the hearts that were too broken to trust again
For convincing yourself, this time, it's truly "lessons learned"

For the ships that never sailed,
For leaving things unsaid between the lines
The "better timing next time"
The forced "see you" to soften the "goodbye"
The awkward hello if you ever pass them by

For all the premature beginnings
The unfinished endings
The unspoken feelings
The somehow-silver linings

For all the ships that never sailed,
All the comfort and the safe of the harbor
All flowers that died before blooming beautifully
All snowflakes that melt before reaching the ground
All the stories that never reached the back cover
This poem is made for you

Just because it did not go as it was expected
Does not make it any less true
They were meant to be the-in-betweens
To teach us to become better partner
Be grateful that it was over before it truly begins
Be grateful it did not waste more of your time
Or else you'd go and risk your heart
On a voyage with a person you did not belong

We'll be more than be the ones who got away
We'll be remembered more than midnight regrets
We'll be patient and learn not to rush things
We'll open new chapter dear, buy a new book
We'll find new places, we'll find new homes
We'll find the person to venture the sea with
And even if one day we still don't,
We'll always be completely fine to sail on our own

Breakin' Free

2:06:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

"No one was foolish enough to follow someone else's dream.
No one was selfish enough to cut someone else's wings"

We started off as two silly dreamers
With head above the clouds, feet above the ground
But eyes locked within each other's
For you, life was great tons of possibilities
For me, life was a possibility with you

We ended up, still as two dreamers
Drifting away to two different roads
You will be forever chasing hills
And I am too content with my valleys

So, go, go and change the world
Cure cancer, be a millionaire, study abroad
Meet new people, travel the world, help others
Do what you've gotta do
I promise I won't be still
I'm gonna catch my own

It's the price we have to pay to make history
It's the sacrifice and the choice that we must choose
To change things beyond our relationship.
And if it really does work out in the end,
At least we'll never regret it
Nothing is ever in vain, my dear

We'll find new people to share our dream with.
We'll find new places we can call home.
We'll find each other again if we're meant to be.
But for now, you've gotta be you and I've gotta be me.

So, as long as being separated means you can follow your dream,
I'll be more than happy to make it come true by letting you go.
The day I'm setting you free, I'm setting myself free, too.

- LaLaLand kind of feel
random writing inspired by the past,
but with the hopeful outlook to the future. 

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

12:30:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

"Breathe.
You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.
You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
 Breathe and know that you can survive this too.
These feelings can’t break you.
They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.
Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass."
— Daniell Koepke

Never Ending Stories

9:57:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Dear you, whoever read this,

Today is the second day of UPH Fest Day. I can surely say it feels like it is something that is really left behind. We are no longer freshman. We don’t really feel the vibe or the excitement far away from them. This year we are not a committee of anything, we are not a mentor, or anything that would make us busy today. But today, we are here, together.

Can you believe it’s been four years since our freshman days? How you wore white polo shirt with the scarf of your faculty. Like how nervous we were. “Will I ever have friends?”, “Will I get accepted?”, “What will I do in the next four years of my life?”. You know, such thoughts..

The first few months are the ones that we try to adapt from the old life (high school, old friends, etc) to the new life. Big bold change, brand new friends, all those activities that we can’t find in our high school. The first year we somehow ended up, either in the committees or communities that we participated in. But those questions somehow still ring even in the darkest corner of our mind.
But for some of bit something that I’d call as God’s plan, in the early months of 2015....... You chose to join SFS. And that’s how I get to know you. Like really know you..... We became family. We cried together. We fought together (and sometimes with each other). We held hands as we prayed, and worshipped God together. We were once strangers and somehow in one short year, God has put us as a family. God has put us to grow together.

Those are good days, you know. If I ever look back I can say that one year in SFS was the greatest year in my university days. Because I get to know you, all those 32 of you. And I know that as the batch of 2013, we became the big brother and big sister for our juniors in SFS. Because I see how God has been faithful to us. Because we get the chance to serve Him.

For now, maybe it feels like SFS is also something that is left behind (just like UPH Fest). I mean, of course, it has been two years. A lot of things have changed since then. SFS has changed to be SG, the rules and regulations have changed. The leaders of our ministry have changed. We no longer know the new students or servants in SFS.

We may not even see each other as often as we used to. We may not even talk to each other as much as we want it to. Some of us may still continue to have communities, to serve in SFS, but I guess most of us continue to walk our path alone...

But I do hope it really that this journey that you have to take is not entirely alone. You have to know that your sister and brother is here. You have to know that you still can share to us what your struggle is. You have to know that we can always pray for you. We can still walk together and not became strangers once more but walk as a family. I love this quote.

Family is like a tree. It can grow to many directions but the roots remain as one.

So just go on. Embrace this new life. Find the job that you love. Discover your calling. Study again if you want to. Be rooted in whatever you are planted. Go. Make disciples. We are still here. We will always be here. I, will always be here. I can’t wait to be there on your wedding days, and all those meaningful days. I know you’re gonna do great, meet newpeople, and I believe that God will always remain faithful in your life.

Balen 

Hiraeth

10:02:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

When I was a kid,
Home for me was a place
Where I slept next to Mom and Dad
Where I could feel safe
Where I was never alone
I always had cousins to play with
And free ice cream whenever I want

Then the home I knew got burnt
And it became yellow
As bright as the sun!
Replacing all the dull colors I knew

Home was always filled with noises
Of laughter, of screaming,
Or the honks of the car
It was never silent

Home got multiplied for the first time
When I was eighteen and moved out of town
Home became a blank white wall
And my sweet, sweet corner
A place where I could lay my head after a long day
I could be on my own now
The silence kept me asleep at night
The sunlight kept me awake in the morning

As I grew up I started to learn the important lesson about home
Home didn't stay in one place
Home can be felt wherever you are with your loved ones
Home can be felt wherever you are accepted

Not only by blood, not by biological means
Not by the relatives who were happy to see me gone
Not by the ones who asked me to leave whenever I can
Ironic how you began to redefine what family means
How you began to differentiate house from home

For months I have been homesick more than ever
Though I always stay at my own home
The same, old, familiar home I know
The noises remains the same,
But the noises inside my head are louder
And the heart remains empty as far as I concern

I have a hard time sleeping each night
So I stay awake til I can't stay awake anymore
Until the sun begins to rise each morning
No matter how many sleeps I take doesn't help at all
I still long for the unknown, for the uncertain
I still feel homesick for the places I've never been

Our home is in the next life, they say
Our home is wherever your heart is, they tell me
But maybe home is neither here nor there

Maybe it's true that home is in far away countries
A flat in the middle of the city, perhaps
Or a small house of the countryside
Maybe it's the place where I can  reach my dreams
The place I can  leave my past behind

Maybe home is inside your heart
Where you are most content with yourself
Maybe my heart isn't that pretty
Maybe my soul is too broken to begin with

But maybe, maybe,
Home is wherever you are loved
When you are not so lovable

If that so,
Why am I still feel homesick?

(#nowplaying Homesick- Kings of Convenience)

The 21st Century Pilgrim

8:22:00 PM Valencia Ng 4 Comments

The Reason

6:51:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I just took my very first pregnancy test yesterday.

I looked at the doctor with disbelief.
"Do I really have to do this? Because I can assur..".
"Yes. We have to be sure on the paper that you're not pregnant".

I see his scribbling on the paper that I had to take to the lab. "Amenorrhea". Great. Another disease which I can't pronounce easily..... It's only a month since I found a thick blood on my hand after a cough....... what I found out few days later as a bronchitis. I spent weeks wearing masks wherever I go. Now I have another disease?

As I took the urine sample I thought to myself .......
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse than this."
But to be honest, things actually could get worse.......

As the doctor didn't give me clear answer, it means I have to make another appointments with another doctor in bigger hospital .... all by myself. Since I can be sure for 100% I am not pregnant there must be something wrong in my body that causes it stopping its natural cycle. Maybe a cyst. Maybe something wrong in my hypothalamus. Maybe because of my obesity. Maybe an infertility. Maybe because I'm too stressed out and depressed. There will be another tests. There will be a lot of "I told you so"s and there will be a lot of time and energy wasted for this thing. Not only the causes are terrifying but the results too.....

And for once, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I don't know since when I made eating as my escape. Has it always been this way? I don't remember since when I am angry whenever mom brings up the topic, which usually makes me want to eat more. I don't remember since when ...... but it's getting worse and worse. My cousin shook her head and asked me, "If you know it's bad for you, why are you still doing it?"

I know right...... 

From every failed attempt and every yoyo result I ended up giving up a long time ago. From every night when I couldn't sleep I have to eat a comfort food to temporarily cure it. From every abusive words, I ate even more. From a stare that I can't forget when saying "Of course I don't like you". You. For years I craved for someone to "I like you just as you are". But I do not love me just as I am. Why do I keep expecting other people to do it?

I know things could actually get worse but ...... things could get better also.

As I tie my running shoes I keep convincing myself, "I don't have to like this. I just have to do it". And as I see people try to fit the bikini suit....... I'm doing this to stay alive. Fighting against flesh has never been this hard for me to be honest. And I still don't know how to do this because this is not only a physical matter but also my mental.

Someone once told me that we shouldn't test God for the health He has given us with. And another saying that says... everything, including physical is a way to worship God. Now, at my rock bottom in my relationship with everything, I ask myself, "Is it too late? Will I get through this? Will I survive to live years later?". I try.... and it's really hard not to rely on my own understanding for my own thoughts aren't my best friends right now.
I realize I can't do this alone......

I'm writing this not to get any attention but as a reminder everytime I want to give up. As a reminder maybe one day the reason to started it all.