okay, bloggie

before you read this, i remind you one thing 

that if you continue reading this, you'll see this a-diary-like kind of post

but i need this. please. for now.  if you don't like it, stop reading it

okay?

i told you....

so, bloggie. i'm stuck. i don't know. just stuck. like........... i'm not going anywhere. i tried to do everything, everything that i love. but, nope, still stuck. i tried to write my feelings, i can't. tried to paint it, i stared a blank paper for a really long time but nothing popped out. i tried to take a long walk, but my mind is troubled. i tried to watch my favorite cartoon movie but i didn't laugh. and i tried to get over it but everytime i eat (one thing that i really love!) i don't want it. so.......i tried ......... to be honest....with myself.

i always know what i want. banyak orang yang bilang gw selalu lebih 'tua' dari semestinya. gw punya ini dan itu yang pengen gw accomplish. bahkan personality test gw aja resultnya 'the most idealistic' - yang cuma ada 2 makhluknya di sekolah gw. gw bikin 1-year-plan, 5-year-plan. Gw netapin cita -cita gw dari kelas 3 SD dan cita - cita gw pegang sampe sekarang. gw plan everything, figure out everything, bahkan gw challenge diri gw sendiri untuk naik tingkat demi tingkat buat achieve apa yang gw mau. 

gw ga pernah masalah ama yang namanya imajinasi. apapun yang gw imajinasiin, bisa keliatan real... real banget. waktu gw kelas 1 sd bikin rencana rumah gw. gw tau persis gw mau apa. gw tau persis gw mau married kayak gimana. gw tau persis nama anak gw nanti apa. hahahahahha. but, yeah, that's me. i plan everything. 

now, all i can see is a blurry image of the future. semuanya burem. pernah coba photoshop trus apply gaussian blur? persis kayak gitu. cuma ini modelnya potongan2 kejadian yang bahkan gw belom alamin. gw ga bilang dark, tapi blur...

because lately, after all this university kind of thing, gw mulai merasa.............. idk ........... aimless? i know i have a future, and it must be a great great future. but i........ i........ idk. rasanya tuh kayak lu dihadepin ke hal yang lu pengen, 10 tahun lamanya, dan terlalu lama pengen itu sampe ketika dihadepin langsung, lu ga yakin bener. apa itu yang gw mau? apa itu yang gw bisa ? 

gw mulai mempertanyakan mimpi - mimpi gw. serius lu, mau jadi graphic designer? yakin deadlinenya? yakin bisa ngalahin anak - anak yang ga kalah kreatif itu? yakin bisa ipk 3,75? ga sayang cuma jadi itu doang? tiap hari rasanya berdebat sama diri sendiri. belom lagi masalah pemilihan kampus yang menurut gw........................ ga jelas. apa yang sebenernya gw pengen? teknologi ato basic? reputation ato teknik? terkenal lama ato potensial jadi gede? gimana biayanya ? kayak apa dosennya? gimana temen - temen nya ? bagus di teknik ato di taste ? and so on... last, but not least.... idealis ato realis?

2 kampus ini gw suka. both lingkungan tempatnya semuanya. but, they're totally different! hard to compare one and another.... dan gw merasa 2 hal ini sebenernya the old friend of mine, the old battle which has stayed in my head for years. take a risk......... or comfort zone? badly, gw bahkan merasa 2 jalan ini beneran beda. satu, with the most realistic thing you can do, be rich, get money, a carreer maybe. but there's a side of me, i want to explore new things, travel all around the world, be a changemaker, historymaker. i want to bring something, at least.. for my country. sisi idealis gw berontak. tapi sisi realis gw ga tinggal diam gitu aja. dan gw merasa, 2 jalan ini sangat berlainan, mengarah ke 2 arah yang benar - benar berbeda. 2 jalan yang ga pernah bersinggungan lagi. ga bisa kah gw ngejalanin keduanya ? ato gw harus memilih?

semua orang selalu, selalu bilang : "itu terserah lu len. lu maunya apa" gimana kalo.......... gw gatau mau gw apa ? 2 hal ini, be a creativepreneur with creative house. or going everywhere, be the change. which one ?

some people, with their negative words, saying "you can't do this" "you can't do that" "you ain't capable" "why aint you try this?" and some people, telling me i am more than able. i don't know which one to believe. God, which one?

maybe that's why i like you, bloggie. you don't hurt me with your words. you don't flatter. you're just........... you. not complaining, criticizing. because, sometimes..... all i need is just something, or someone... to talk to.

that's all.

(p.s and for you, God.... i know You're reading this right now. even though i can't see what lies ahead, i can't see all these blurry images of my future, i am still trusting You. because i know, You're my God. You never fail, You love me, You're faithful. And You're with all the way.)